


He Heals Me

by Likeuwannabeloved



Series: He Heals Me [1]
Category: One Direction, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Depressed Harry, Healing, M/M, Past Abuse, Rape, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-06
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2017-12-31 17:29:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 36,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likeuwannabeloved/pseuds/Likeuwannabeloved
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry, a boy with a dark past, is shy and kept to himself who often hides away in the safety of a library. Anywhere safe and quiet away from people. But when he meets Louis Tomlinson, can he help him finally move on from his past or just make things worse?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So you may know this story from my tumblr account kissmelikeyou-wannabelove, welcome to my new AO3 account! :D  
> If you're reading this for the first time then... I’m pretty shit at descriptions, but I promise you its good! Haha :D
> 
> Enjoy!

(Harry’s POV)

“Do you love me?”

I smiled, “You know I do.”

“So you would do anything for me?”

“Anything.”

He smirked, that crooked little smirk that I loved so much and ran a hand through my curly locks.

“Good. Stay here I have a surprise for you babe!” He placed a chaste kiss on my lips before jumping out of bed and disappearing down the hall. I laid there like I was told with a delirious smile on my face, wandering how I got so lucky to find someone like him.

I heard the front door opening and closing then the sound of hushed voices. Curiosity eventually got the best of me and I quietly got out of bed, tiptoeing down the hall, trying to sneak a quick peek. But all I saw was Jason two men that I’d never met before.

"Jason?" I called, making my presence known. "Who are they?"

He turned and smiled at me, but instead of the butterflies I usually felt, It sent a chill down my spine.

"Well you were right about him being a cute little twink Jason." One guy said, as both strangers slowly made their way towards me.

"That curly hair would be nice to hold onto." The second one said.

I started stumbling backwards in fear, my eyes flickering to Jason waiting for him to stop them.

"Ja-jason? What’s…What’s going on?"

"They’re your surprise Harry!" He exclaimed, now making his way towards me when my back hit the wall. "Surprise."

I woke up suddenly, gasping for breath, my eyes quickly flickering around the room until I realize I’m safe. I’m alone. I closed my eyes and ran a hand across my sweaty forehead.

“Just a dream Harry…Just a dream…” I whisper to myself a couple times.

Once I’ve caught my breath and my hands stopped trembling, I look over to the clock on my nightstand which read 7:32am, which meant Niall would be here in fifteen minutes to pick me up for our early morning classes. I slowly rolled out of bed, picked up the first pair of jeans I saw and my favorite orange jumper. I didn’t really care about what I looked like anymore. I didn’t want to be attractive. I didn’t want anyone to notice me.

Just as I was pouring some coffee into my mug, I heard a car honking outside. I grabbed my backpack and headed out. Locking the door. Unlocking. Locking. Double check.

“Hey Harry!” Niall greeted me, in a cheery voice as I slid into the seat next to him.

I gave him a small smile. “Hey.”

“So did you sleep alright last night?” He asked.

I shrugged. “I slept through the night at least.”

“Anymore nightmares?”

Flashes of last night’s nightmare, flashed through my head and I unconsciously started picking at an old scar on my arm. It only offered me a temporary lapse of relief.

“Don’t do that mate.”

My eye’s slowly opened and I looked at him briefly then down at my arm, pulling my sleeve down quickly.

“I’m sorry.” I said quietly, looking down at my lap.

“It’s fine Harry. Baby steps, yeah?”

I just nodded and the rest of the ride was silent.

Besides Niall, my mum and my therapist we’re the only people who knew what really happened to me. Niall knew because he found me the night it happened. My mum, found out a month later, after my first suicide attempt. I’d slit my wrist so deep that night and lost so much blood, that I needed a transfusion. The second and third times weren’t so extreme. I tried to go peacefully with, pills and alcohol, but either I didn’t take enough pills or drink enough, because my mum found me and I got my stomach pumped. The third time I tried, it was old fashioned Noose on a balcony. Unfortunate for me though, someone below saw me tying the rope to the railing and called the cops.

Did I regret doing it? Yeah, only because of the looks on my mums face whenever she had to come to the hospital and hear that her son had tried again.

Did I still try again after that though? Yes.

I wanted out. I still did. Maybe not as much as I did when the memories were still raw, but the idea of leaving this place never actually went away.

…

Despite what other people say, I actually liked college. It was a distraction.

So many things to learn, so many things to keep your mind occupied. That’s why I spent majority of my time in the library. It was quiet, it was safe, and it was a home away from home almost.

I liked the stories though. All the different types of books that let you escape reality just for a little while. It was nice.

It was nice to be out of my own mind. I wish it would stay that way. But my life isn’t a book.

I can’t stop reading the chapters I don’t like. Or skip to when it gets better.

Which leads me to right now.

Most classes for this hour have been out for at least ten minutes now, but I always stay behind and wait for the crowds to thin out. I don’t do well in crowds. When I thought It was safe to leave, I head out towards the library to wait for Niall’s last class of the day to let out so he can drive me home. There are still some people roaming around as I sped through them, staring at my feet, praying to just blend in.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see the person who was walking in front of me and walked straight into him knocking all the books out of his arms.

“What the hell!” He exclaimed. My eyes widened and snapped up towards him. He looked angry. He was yelling. I didn’t like yelling.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” I exclaimed, frantically picking up his things. “Don’t be mad, please don’t be mad… I’m sorry.” At this point I was just mumbling apology after apology, then stood up handing him the books with my violently trembling hands. I didn’t make eye contact, so I didn’t notice the way his bright blue eyes were looking at me confused. He slowly took the books out of my hands.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered one more time.

“It’s fine mate, really. You don’t need to keep apologizing. It was an accident, I overreacted.” I nodded and turned to speed walk away, but I felt him grip my arm tightly before I could. I gasped, as the memories of Jason started playing in my head.

Glass breaking.

Men whispering in my ear.

Punch after punch.

Blood.

So.

Much.

Blood.

 

He must have seen the absolute look of terror in my eyes, because he quickly let go and I took off sprinting, not looking back once until I came across a bathroom and locked myself in a stall, dialing Niall’s number.

“What Harry, I’m in the middle of-“

“Niall I want to go home!” I yelled into the phone, crying. “Please! I just want to leave!”

“Woah, woah, woah lad, what the hell happened? Did someone hurt you?” He asked louder, so I assumed he left class.

“ Yes…no…Please, I just don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Okay, where are you?”

I sniffed, “The bathroom by calculus class.”

“Don’t move I’m on my way.”

With that I hung up and buried my head in my knees, wishing that I had my razor to give me that sweet sweet relief.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

(Louis’ POV)

After my encounter yesterday, the scared little curly haired boy was stuck in my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he looked at me, like I was about to murder him right on the spot. I wasn’t scary. I was far from it actually.

I’d always had a bit of a feminine body, I was never too bulky, and I was the shortest between my mates Zayn and Liam.

So I really didn’t understand what it was that made him run away like that. I never got the chance to ask him if he was okay either, because he didn’t show up to school the next day. Or maybe he was just avoiding me, which peaked my interest ever more.

I was currently sitting in my physics class where the teacher was giving us a lecture about electricity and magnetism and other crap I should probably listen too, but I didn’t care right now. Plus the perks of having Liam in your class is that he takes great notes. I glanced over at him and saw him completely into the lesson as always and rolled my eyes.

“Pssssttt!” I hissed at him loudly. The people around us turned to look at me and I just smiled at them. Liam glared.

“Don’t start Louis, I’m focusing.” He whispered.

“But I’m bored! And I have to ask you a question.” I whined.

“If I answer it will you pay attention?”

“Nope, but I’ll leave you alone.”

He sighed and turned towards me, “What?”

“There’s this guy I-“

“Really mate? You want boy advice?”

“Will you let me finish the damn question?”

He glanced at the professor for a moment before nodding for me to finish.

“There’s this guy I met yesterday, or not really met but he bumped into me and completely freaked out.”

“Freaked out?” He asked, interested now.

“Yeah, he acted like I was going to kill him. Then when I grabbed his arm to ask if he was okay he ran away.”

“Who was he?”

“I don’t know. He had curly hair, green eyes and he was about your height.”

“Harry? You’re taking about Harry Styles?”

“So you know him then?” I asked, getting excited for some reason.

“Not really. I know he only talks to that Irish lad Niall. I’ve never seen him go anywhere without Harry.”

“Mr. Payne, Mr. Tomlinson.” The professor called to us. I almost laughed at the way Liam tensed up. “Is my lecture boring you?”

I smirked, “Well now that you ask-“

“We’re sorry sir, please continue.” Liam interrupted, pinching my leg under the table, making me laugh.

….

I looked for Harry again today, and I was starting to feel like a stalker. What can I say? He caught my attention. But of course the curly haired boy was nowhere to be seen. It was frustrating to work this hard for someone’s attention because I’ve never had anyone avoiding me before. Giving up, I decided to go the library across the street for some coffee and maybe stay and read a book for a while before I headed over to Zayns for the weekend.

Luck seemed to be on my side though, because as I sat down in one of the lounge chairs, I spotted Harry and Niall sitting on the floor toward the back of the library. The Irish lad was chatting away and although Harry wasn’t saying much in return, you could tell he was fully entranced in whatever he was saying.

I wonder if they’re dating. They’d be an odd couple, and that’s assuming they’re gay too.

I watched them for awhile being the creep that I am, and after some time, I saw Niall ruffled Harry’s hair then got up and walked towards the bathroom. Harry looked around before pulling a book out of his bag and burying his nose in it. I decided then that this might be a good time to go talk to him.

(Harry’s POV)

“I’m going to the bathroom, and then we can go back to my place yeah?” Niall told me as we sat in our usually place on the floor in the library.

I plastered a smile on my face and nodded. He ruffled my hair then got up and left. The smile immediately fell. I was getting good at smiling when I was supposed to.

Niall always keeps me over on the weekends to watch over me, even though he says that not true. He says he likes hanging out since we don’t have any classes together. And I believe that to an extent, but I also know he wants to make sure I don’t off myself.

I looked around quickly, before pulling out the book I was reading. It’s a force of habit; it just makes me feel better to know no one is around.

I immersed myself into the book I was currently reading. It was called Scars. It was a bit young for me, I know, but I loved it. I loved escaping into Kendra’s pain, I felt like I could relate to her. Always feeling like you weren’t alone, like someone was always watching and waiting. The book didn’t help me forget about cutting, but it did help me forget about my own fears and problems for a while.

I was so into my book, that I didn’t see nor hear a man approach me.

“Hi!” He said cheerily.

I gasped and nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard his voice. I looked up with wide eyes seeing that same guy I bumped into in the hall. I scooted back until I felt my back hit the wall.

'Oh god he's here to hurt me for knocking his stuff down.' I thought. I looked around, trying to see if I could find a way to get around him. If I was quick enough I could race past him into the bathrooms where Niall was.

“Woah, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” He told me, smiling. Then stuck a hand out. “I’m Louis. Louis Tomlinson.”

I gulped, staring up at him shaking. “I-I’m Harry” I whispered, but I didn’t shake his hand. No touching. I briefly wondered if I screamed would anyone come see what the problem was. I didn’t like how close Louis was to me. I didn’t like the way he smiled at me.

He was going to hurt me. I know he is.

I pressed myself into the wall, wishing I could fall through and disappear.

“Hey Harry!” I heard Niall call.

I breathed out a sigh of relief as Niall came walking over and stood between me and Louis.

“Are you bothering him? Did you hurt him?”

“Wh-what? No! I just wanted to say hello!” He sputtered. “He bumped into me a couple days ago and I neve-“

“You’re the guy who yelled at him? Look mate, just stay away from him okay? He doesn’t like talking to people.”

The Louis’ guy muttered an apology and stalked off. Niall squatted down in front of me and let me take my deep breaths before questioning me.

“You okay? What did he say to you?”

“He just told me his name. That’s all.”

“Louis Tomlinson. I’ve seen him around with those blokes… Zayn and Liam. You know he’s not a bad guy Haz, from what I hear he’s really nice.”

I shook my head. None of them were nice. It was a trick they played on you.

“I thought Jason was nice too.” I said, quietly. My fingers twitched. They were dying to have that little piece of metal between them. Just one cut. And the pain would be gone.

Niall must’ve noticed because he patted my back and stood up. “Let’s go, we can go buy a movie or something before we head back to my house. Plus I’m starving!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should’ve apologized in advance for this chapter sucking major ass. I didn’t lay out plans for this chapter like I should have, because I really just wanted to introduce Louis into the story. So sorry if you didn’t like this one, the next chapter will be better I PROMISE! :) XXX


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

Chapter 3

(Harry’s POV)

No matter how hard I tried to forget about Louis, I just couldn’t.

He scared me. He made me feel uncomfortable. Louis has the same bright blue eye’s that Jason did and every encounter we had, all I saw was IT’s face. Despite how nice Niall told me he was.

I haven’t seen him around since that day, and that I was grateful for.

It was also getting close to summer break, and I was glad to be able to get away from all these people before I started my next year (Semester? Idk) and spend some time alone or with Niall and Mum. Maybe they’ll even call Gemma for the whole suicide watch team.

Today, as we we’re riding in the car to school though, Niall was unusually quiet.

“Ni? You okay? I thought being quiet was my job.” I tried to joke. He just glanced at me then back at the rode. Now I was getting honestly nervous. “Niall? You’re… You’re not upset with me or anything right?”

“No Harry I promise I’m not.” He assured quickly. I breathed out a sigh of relief. “It’s just…I’m going back to Ireland today, and I was hoping there would be a plane I could catch after classes were out but there isn’t. And… I just don’t want to leave you alone mate. I know your Mum will be here in a few days, but I worry about you Haz.”

I didn’t know what to say. I sat there staring blankly at him.

“I don’t have to go Harry. I can tell my parents that I can’t mak-“

“No.” I whispered. “We can’t be together every minute right? We both knew that. I’ll be fine.”

“Haz, how are you going to get to and from school? Walk? You have full on panic attacks just walking across the street to library!”

He had a point.

“I’ll just have to learn how to not panic then Niall, there’s not much else of a choice here.”

He sighed and fell quiet until we were in the parking lot. He pulled into a spot, turned the car off then turned to face me.

“You have to promise me something before I leave.” I slowly nodded, already knowing what it was. “Don’t try to hurt yourself, please Harry. I’m begging you lad, call me every day if you have to.”

“You know I can’t promise you that Niall.” I answered quietly, rubbing my arm. “But I’ll promise to try.”

He smiled a bit sadly, “I guess that’s the best answer I’ll get.”

I smiled back and leaned over the seats to give him a quick hug. “Don’t drink too much while you’re there yeah? I’d like you to come home with some brain cells this time.”

He laughed, “Not happening. Pints and Irish women here I come!” I chuckled a little. “Be careful okay Harry, call me when you get home.”

“Yes Dad.”

Niall waved as I got out of his car, and it didn’t hit me just how naked and vulnerable I felt without him until he was already out of sight.

This was going to be a long day.

…

Surprisingly I was doing pretty well without him. Up until lunch that is.

Since I didn’t have anyone to drive me off campus to eat, I had to eat in the dining hall, which wasn’t in itself all that bad. There was only about six or seven other people there besides me, so I got my lunch and headed all the way to the back of the room and sat in a nice quiet corner, eating and reading.

I think I should really get more in tune with my ears when I’m reading though, that way people won’t be able to sneak up on me. Like today.

“Hey!” Someone yelled, smacking their hands on the table. I let out a little girlish squeak and dropped my book. I looked up and saw one guy I didn’t know and one who I recognized as Zayn Malik. “So where’s your little Irish bodyguard kid?”

I backed away as far as the chair would let me. “He…H-he isn’t here today.” I whispered.

“Yeah? We saw you in the car with him this morning and things looked pretty cozy, wouldn’t you say Zayn?”

Zayn sat in the seat across from me nodding his head, while the guy I didn’t know sat next to me.

He was too close.

I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack. My lungs were constricting and my hands started shaking.

“You’re always joined at the hip with him Styles, I’m starting to think that relationship isn’t so platonic.” Zayn said, in a condescending tone I didn’t like.

The guy next to me put an arm around my shoulder.

No touching.

He pulled me in closer to him and my throat closed up. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move.

“So you a queer styles? That why you never talk to anyone?” The guy said. Then he leaned in to my ear “Because you know they’ll think you’re a fag?” He whispered.

That’s when I lost it.

I jumped out of my seat, effectively knocking him out the chair and made a sprint for the door, not caring about my stuff. I bumped into someone as I ran out the dining hall but I didn’t care. I kept running until I found a room, any room.

That room happened to be a janitor’s closet and I was so relieved it was unlocked and threw myself inside it. I put my back up against the door, gasping for air I didn’t have, and my crying wasn’t helping the situation at all. I fumbled in my pocket looking for my phone and when I found it, instead of dialing Niall’s number like I should have, I lifted the phone cover up and there it was, perfectly hidden from the world.

I lifted the razor out with trembling hand and without a second’s hesitation; I slowly dragged it across the tender skin of my wrist. As soon as I felt the sting of the first cut, it’s like every muscle in my body went lax, and suddenly I could breathe more easily. I couldn’t stop crying though and pictures and flashed of IT’s face flashed behind my closed eyes. So I cut. And cut again, until I couldn’t hold the razor in my trembling hands anymore and just sat there and cried.

(Louis’ POV)

Since that day at the library where Harry freaked out on me again, I did what his friend said and stayed away from him. It was hard, because I couldn’t get the weird little kid out of my head! I don’t know why I’m so interested in him. Yeah, he was really cute with his dimples, big green eyes and head of curly hair, but he was so afraid of me, I don’t even know why I bother.

Harry Styles was a mystery, and for some reason, I was dying to figure him out.

I was headed to the dining hall to meet up with Zayn and Liam, when I heard a huge thud coming from inside, then all of a sudden I was being practically thrown back as someone ran past me. I turned around ready to yell some selective words at whoever it was, but I recognized the curly hair as it bounced behind him.

Harry.

I stared after him for a minute contemplating whether I should run after him, but I figured he was running to that Niall kid so instead, I walked into the dining hall to see what the hell happened. I saw Zayn laughing at his friend Jack as he picked himself up off the ground.

“Zayn! What the hell just happened in here?” I asked.

“Oi! Louis, mate you should have seen it! That curly haired guy, what’s his name…”

“Harry.” I filled in.

“Yeah him! His Irish buddy Niall wasn’t here so we picked some fun at him. You should have seen his face when Jack put an arm around him and asked him if he was gay, completely spazzed. It was priceless.”

I felt anger bubbling up in the pit of my stomach. Harry was probably freaked out of his mind, and it was NOT funny.

“He doesn’t like to be touched Zayn! What the hell is wrong with you?” I spat at him.

“Woah, it was just a joke Tomlinson, calm down.” Jack said.

“A joke? The kid’s probably freaked out of his mind! Because you two asshole wanted to “pick fun” at his sexuality. Classy guys. I’m going to see if he’s okay.”

I stormed out of the dining hall practically fuming as I followed the direction Harry ran earlier.

“Harry?” I called down the hall, looking over the heads of a few people searching for a mop of curly hair anywhere. I made my way down a long hallway, about to go down a stairwell until I hear faint sobbing. I turned around and backtracked. “Harry?” I tried again.

The sobs got louder and louder as I backtrack and soon I realized they were coming from a janitors closet. I quietly walked up to it, pressing my ear against the door then softly knocking. The sobbing stopped almost immediately and I heard some frantic shuffling around.

“Harry? I, um don’t know if you remember me or not but its Louis. Are you okay?”

No answer.

“Zayn and that guy Jack were just acting like assholes. He’s usually a good lad, I can’t speak for Jack that much though. Never did like him much.

No answer.

I twisted the door knob a little and realized it wasn’t locked, so I opened the door and saw Harry with his knee’s up to his chest and one of his arms were bleeding.

“Oh my god are you okay?” I said, stepping towards him. He just let out another sob.

“STOP!” He yelled. “PLEASE! Just leave me alone! I just want to be alone…”

I slowly knelt down and unzipped bag, grabbing a packet of Kleenex.

“I’m not going to hurt you okay?” I said softly, looking him straight in the eye. “But I don’t want you to bleed to death. Can I look at your arm?”

He said nothing just stared back at me fearfully.

“I promise, Just let me look at your arm then I’ll leave.”

He started at me for another second before slowly extending his bleeding arm out. I smiled and reached out just as slowly to grip his arm. He flinched back at first when I gently grasped his arm but then he let me softly apply pressure to the cuts.

“You should be careful running into closets like these, or you’ll cut your arm on something again. These things just scream hazardous.” I said quietly, smiling. “Next time try the teachers’ lounge, yeah? I’ve heard they’ve got great channels. Even porn! The thought makes me want to gag you know.”

Still not a pip out of him. Not even the hint of a smile.

“Well I don’t have a full blown first aid kit, but just hold these tissue’s on the cuts and it should stop the bleeding until you get to the nurse. You should really have her check them out. I don’t know what you scraped them on, but all of the stuff in here is pretty rusty, so better safe than sorry right?” I flashed another smile in his direction before standing up. “I hope Zayn and his mate didn’t freak you out too bad, I’m sorry if they did. I’ll see you around?” I turned to walk out of the closet and I could’ve sworn I heard him whisper thank you, but It was so soft, I just figured my ears we’re playing tricks on me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

(Harry’s POV)

After Louis left, I sat there for a few more minutes, just holding the tissue he gave me to my arm.

I don’t know which was scarier:

The fact that I had let any man touch me and tend to my self-inflicted wounds, Or the fact that for that minute he was touching me, I didn’t feel the urge to sprint away.

Of course I was still weary of him being anywhere near me but his touch was so gentle, and his eyes, for once didn’t remind me of IT. It was also nice that he’d just assumed I fell and cut myself. I don’t know if it was on purpose just to make me feel comfortable, or he was really that oblivious.

I sniffed and wiped my nose on one of the tissues, tucked my razor back away into its safe place then slowly opened the door. I looked both ways seeing the halls pretty much deserted, and when I looked down, I spotted my books and my backpack.

Maybe Louis Tomlinson wasn’t so bad after all.

And the fact that I thought that scared the living crap out of me.

…

Later that night, more tears were shed after I told Niall what I’d done, because I hated disappointing him. He was the only one here for me other than Mum, so disappointing him hurt like hell. I only felt worse though when he acted so understanding.

I felt even WORSE when I cut again later that night.

The next day I contemplated skipping the rest of the week, and just hide out in my house. I didn’t want to run into Zayn Malik again.

But then again, the main reason of me staying in school this long was to keep my mind busy and away from thoughts of IT.

So here I was again in school, heading to my English class, head down shuffling through the throngs of students. I made sure to wear another one of my jumpers to cover up my new scars. As I was walking down the hall I noticed somebody sitting against the wall, studying probably. I glanced over with little interest, but stopped when I realized it was Louis.

He was nose deep in a psychology book, his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

Should I go over and thank him for helping me yesterday? Or should I just pretend it never happened, and forget I’d ever met him?

I had fully intended to do opinion number two, but for some reason my feet start moving towards him without my brains consent. I started shaking nervously as my thoughts raced. What if yesterday was a one day thing? What if he really does want to hurt me? He’ll probably just get on my good side, and make me trust him first like IT did.

'Oh god Harry turn around and walk away. He's going to hurt you. They all will. TURN AROUND.’

But it was too late, I stopped in front of him and he looked up from his book, his face showing obvious surprise. I quickly averted my eyes from his and fiddled with my fingers.

“I-I…I um just wanted to say thank you…” I said quietly. “For um, helping me y-yesterday.”

“It’s no problem Harry.” He said in that same soft voice he used yesterday. I looked down at him through my curls and saw him smiling at me. “You want to sit down? Classes don’t start for another fifteen minutes?”

I bit my lip nervously. “Um…I should go to class…” I whispered.

He smiled again, “Well some other time then yeah?”

I don’t know why I nodded, but I did then took off down the hallway.

…

Soon was sooner than I thought.

Since Niall wasn’t here, I wasn’t on a time limit, which meant I could spend as much time in the library as I wanted. So I sat in our spot in the back of the library and decided to work on some of my sketches today. I hadn’t drawn since I was in therapy and I missed it. So I started a new sketch. It was a boy, standing in the midst of a storm. He had his back turned away from a tree that was currently being struck by lightning. You could see scars going up his arms, and maybe he was crying or maybe it was just the rain. I didn’t know. I just let the inspiration take over.

I heard footsteps approaching me this time and tensed up a little. I pretended I didn’t hear whoever it was and scribbled harder, praying they weren’t walking towards me.

“Hi Harry.”

I looked up from my drawing and into the eyes of Louis Tomlinson. I could never look at him for two long so I immediately look back down at my picture.

“H-hi.” I replied.

“Mind if I sit?” He asked.

I could tell him yes I did mind, but it wasn’t my library and I didn’t want to chance him getting mad at me. So I slowly nodded instead and he threw his bag on the floor sliding down the wall next to me. I scooted over, just to make sure there was enough distance between us. He didn’t comment.

“So, what have you got there?” He asked after a prolonged awkward silence.

“Um… Just my sketch book. It’s nothing special.” I whispered.

“I believe I’ll be the judge of that. Can I?” He asked. I closed the book and hugged it to my chest, shaking my head. “ Aw come on mate, I know they can’t be that bad, just let me take a look.” He put a hand on my wrist and my breath caught, my eye’s snapped shut, and I uttered a little whimper.

‘IknewitIknewitIknewit’ 

His hand stayed there for another moment before slowly removing it. I didn’t chance a look at him though in case he was glaring at me.

“Harry? I’m not going to hurt you love, I just want to see your drawings.”

I finally peeked over at him and saw the confusion on his face at my reaction, but also the sincerity behind his words. My heart and brain were screaming at me not to let him in, but it was just something about him that put my fears at bay for a few moments, and I slowly handed him the journal. He smiled and opened to the first page.

“Wow… Did you really draw all of these Harry?” He breathed after flipping through the first few pages. “These are so amazing! Have you considered entering these into a contest or something? I really like this one,” He turned the book around to show me the first picture I’d drawn to recall the incident with him. It was a picture of me, trembling in the corner of my kitchen just as him and his frie-

Happy thoughts Harry. Happy thoughts.

I almost laughed at that thought. Me, Happy? Yeah right.

“I like the colors you used,” Louis continued. “I know it’s not finished, because he doesn’t have a face, but it looks amazing.”

“It… It is finished.” I answered quietly. “I didn’t want him to have a face. He lost who he was that day…”

Louis was quiet for a long time before asking, “Is this boy you?”

I closed my eyes, scratching my arm subconsciously.

“I use to be shit at drawing when I was younger you know.”

My eyes popped open out of sheer shock.

He wasn’t going to question me for more answers?

“Wh-What?” I whispered.

He smiled softly, and gestured for me to give him my pencil. I slowly passed it over to him and he flipped to a new page in my sketch book and started scribbling something. I stretched my neck to see what it was, but he just covered it with his arm.

“No peeking.” He said.

What was that I felt? Did my lip just twitch up?

After exactly five minutes he turned the book around.

“Ta-da!” He exclaimed. “It’s you!”

On the piece of paper, I saw a stick figure that had a gigantic sweater on and a mess of scribbles on top of a crooked head.

I felt something bubble up in my throat.

“Are these scribbles my hair?” I asked him quietly, feeling my lips twitch again.

“Yeah, have you seen your hair? Looks like a giant mess of rain clouds! I would kill for curly hair.” He sighed dramatically. “Did you like the dimples I gave you though? Look!”

He pointed to two circles on either side of the crooked head and a noise escaped me. A genuine noise that I hadn’t heard in such a long time.

I laughed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide

(Louis’ POV)

Hearing Harry laugh actually made my heart stutter in my chest. I’d only ever seen him smile when he was around Niall, but up close he was just… Beautiful. He didn’t laugh for long though, one because the librarian shushed and after a few seconds, the smile slowly fell from his face and a look of awe replaced it. He looked as though he had never heard himself laugh before.

He glanced over at me and I must’ve had a weird expression on my face because he quickly looked down at his lap.

“I-I’m sorry for laughing… That must’ve been rude.” He said quietly.

“Don’t apologize for laughing Harry,” I said. “It wasn’t rude at all, really. I know my drawing is crap, I mean just look at what I did to your poor face!”

I felt accomplished when I got another barely there smile out of him. Before I had a chance to say anything else, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket.

“Yeah?” I answered, holding a finger up to Harry.

“Hey Louis where are you?” Liam said in a cheery voice, too cheery.

“Um, at the library?”

“Oh well don’t worry about me then, I wasn’t supposed to be at Danielle’s house fifteen minutes ago!”

“Shit Li, I’m sorry! I got side-tracked. I’m on my way down now.” I hung up the phone and got my bag together. “Sorry Harry, I was supposed to be taking Liam to his girlfriend’s house.”

“Oh…”He said, fiddling his fingers again. “W-will I see you again?”

I couldn’t help the wide smile that spread across my face. I took the pencil and sketch book from his hands again and scribbled my number under my drawing.

“Here, call me whenever! If we don’t see each other at school I’ll always answer my phone. See you Harry!”

He gave me a small wave then I turned and jogged out the library, back across the street to the school where I saw Liam leaning against my car, looking thoroughly pissed off.

“Why the sour face love?” I asked, giving him a cheeky smile. “Afraid of upsetting the misses?”

“Piss off Louis.” He mumbled, getting in the car. I laughed and got in after him. “Why are you smiling so much?”

“Maybe because I finally got Harry to talk to me. And this time he wasn’t acting like I was going to kill him.”

“Really? Is that why you were late getting here?”

“Yeah, we were in the library. Did you know he was an amazing artist? Seriously, his pictures are amazing. I drew him a picture of himself and got him to laugh.”

Liam grinned at me, “Sounds like you really like him Tommo.”

I could feel my cheeks heating up when I realized I was bragging about him. I just shrugged though. “Maybe.”

“I don’t know about him though Louis. Harry doesn’t seem like he’s the relationship type.”

I frowned and chanced a quick glance at him, “What do you mean?”

“He’s really shy, and he always looks so scared. Just… If you do decide to go after him romantically, be careful yeah? You can be… overwhelming.”

“I am not! How dare you!” I gasped over-dramatically. He chuckled. “I’m not going to hurt him though Liam, I know he’s… Fragile per say, but who said I even liked him romantically?”

Liam shrugged and the rest of the ride was silent.

But… Did I like Harry romantically?

(Harry’s POV)

“Harry! How was today?” Niall asked cheerily when I called him after school.

“It was good, really good.” I answered.

“Really good? That’s a first so explain Harold!”

I smiled softly, “I talked to Louis today. He sat with me at the library.”

“And…?” He pressed, sounding like a teenage girl.

“And we talked. I showed him my drawings, and he drew me a picture. You have to see it, it’s ridiculous.” I giggled at the thought.

“So basically all I heard out of that was ‘Niall you were so right about Louis and he is amazing!’”

I rolled my eye’s “Well I’m sorry for not being the pinnacle of trust Nialler. But… He is a nice guy. Nicer than I thought he would be. Really funny too.”

“Well I’m glad to hear that Harry, I’m glad you’re comfortable talking to someone else while I’m not there. I worry about you.”

“I know Niall, but I’m fine I promise. The other day when I… you know, I was just really panicked and I couldn’t breathe. I just-“

“Hey, I told you it was fine right Hazza? I know this is going to take time and relapsing is a part of treatment. I remember your therapist said that.”

I don’t know what it was about talking about my self-harming that made me so emotional, but I always felt so ashamed when I talked about it to Niall.

“Thank you Ni.” I whispered, my throat closing up.

“Don’t go getting all emotional Haz or I swear I’ll hang up on your ass.” He joked. I smiled a small watery smile and wiped my eyes.

“Yeah, anyways, how’s it going in Ireland?”

For two hours after that I listened to Niall tell me every possible detail of his two days back home.

…

The rest of the week went by pretty fast, and I was surprised to find myself disappointed at not seeing Louis for those three days before summer vacation. I chalked it up to the fact that he probably just felt sorry for me and actually wanted nothing to do with me. So I tried to forget about him.

Mum showed up right after school on Friday and immediately started the twenty questions.

“Have you been feeling alright lately? You’re not cutting right?”

“Have you been taking your anti-depressants?”

“Has anyone bothered you at school?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine Mummy.” I lied easily, plastering a smile on my face. If I wasn’t so stage nervous, I would’ve been an awesome actor. Really.

I knew she didn’t believe me though by the way she was looking at me.

“So Niall told me he left for Ireland about a week ago. Were you okay?”

I sighed, exasperated. “Other than one incident, yes.”

“One incident? What happened Harry?”

I looked down and picked at the sleeve of my sweater. “These two guys we’re picking some fun at me… I thought they we’re going to hurt me so I ran and hide in a janitors closet. Then… I-I cut myself…”

“Oh Harry…” She said walking over to my seat and hugging me. I felt the tears burn the back of my eye-lids but I clenched my eyes tightly so I wouldn’t have to see the disappointment in her eyes. “I’m not upset. I understand, it was a moment of weakness okay?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know why you and Niall are so understanding… You should hate me, yell at me…”

“We could never hate you. We know what you went through was rough and we know that it-“

“Mum. Please, I don’t want to think about that right now.”

I felt her nod then kiss my head, before pulling away. I slowly opened my eyes and she gave me a small smile.

“Are you still drawing? I know your therapy sessions stopped, but you seemed to love it.”

I smiled, “Yeah, I dabble from time to time. My sketch book is on the counter.”

She grabbed it then sat next to me on the couch, flipping through them.

“Well this is interesting.” She giggled. My eyes widened, I forgot I’d left Louis’ picture in there. “Who drew this? Niall? And why did he put his number on it?”

“I um… A-actually a bloke named Louis drew it…”

Her eyebrows shot up, “Louis?”

“Y-yeah… He’s really nice mummy. He helped me that day those two boys messed with me.”

“Harry Edward Styles! And you left that little detail out the last time we talked!”

I picked at my sleeve again. “We didn’t start talking until Tuesday, but I haven’t heard from him since so it doesn’t matter… He- he probably just felt sorry for me…”

“Well you won’t know until you talk to him right darling?”

She pushed the page towards me and my eyes widened. “You don’t want me to call him…Do you?”

“Yeah, why not?” She asked. “You said he was really nice.”

“I said Jason was really nice.” I whispered.

I heard her sigh then she placed a finger until my chin, forcing me to look at her. “Honey, you know I won’t push you, but you’ve got to learn to trust someone, sometime. Not everyone is the bad guy.” She patted my cheek. “I’m going to get started on dinner, you still like my pasta right?”

I nodded and she smiled and walked out the room.

Maybe it was time for me to let someone else in.

But that didn’t mean the thought didn’t make my arm itch.

…

It took a week, exactly one week for me to build up the courage to dial Louis’ number and not hang up after the second ring.

My hands were shaking as I held the phone to my ear.

“Hello, tommo speaking!” Louis said cheerily. It didn’t make me feel any better though.

“L-Louis?” I finally choked out.

“Harry? Hey! I didn’t expect for you to call!”

“I-I’m sorry. Is it a bad time? I didn’t know. I…I could call back lat-“

“Harry,” He said, I heard him laugh quietly. “It’s fine. I just thought you were never going to call me. How are you? Did you frame my masterpiece yet?”

That made me smile. “I’m okay… Been spending time with my-“

“Hey, I don’t mean to cut you off,” He interrupted, “But are you busy later on today?”

I froze in shock and fear. Was he trying to get me out the house to hurt me?

“I mean I’m not busy and I was thinking of going to get some tea then maybe down to park. You don’t have to come, I’ll understand.”

Something in the tone of his voice made me relax. He didn’t sound threatening.

“Could…Could we go to that coffee shop near Maples park?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah sure! Want me to pick you up?” He asked excitedly.

“No!” I almost yelled. I didn’t want him to know where I lived. “I-I’ll meet you there okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” He said softly. “See you in about an hour?”

“Okay. Bye Louis.”

“Bye Harry!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide

Harry’s POV)

I was nervous. I was scared shitless. I was shaking like a leaf as Mum drove me to the coffee shop.

I didn’t know Louis all that well and I didn’t know what his motives were. God I was so stupid for agreeing to go out.

My fingers twitched and my hand flew to my arm, applying some type of pressure to my new wounds, hoping it would help the itch to cut.

It didn’t.

“Harry, I know you’re scared, but everything is going to be fine.” Mum said comfortingly. “This Louis guys sounds like a nice person from what you’ve told me. If not, just call me okay?”

I nodded, without looking at her, keeping the steady pressure I had on my cuts. It was starting to burn a little. Thank goodness.

When we pulled into the Coffee shops parking lot, I almost had a full on panic attack.

“Mum t-this was a bad Idea, let just go home. What if he’s not as nice as I thought he was? What if he doesn’t like me and decides to hurt me? Please let’s just go home.”

“Haz look at me.” She ordered. I turned in my seat and she cupped under my chin. “Take a deep breath and calm down.”

My eyes slowly slid shut and I took a slow shaky breath. It only helped a little bit.

“Thank you. Now listen to me, you are never going to overcome this Harry if you don’t face your fears. You can’t live your life hiding forever. I love you, if I thought in any way you were going to get hurt today, I would not let you go. So go in there and try to have a fraction of a good time okay?”

I nodded and gave her a small smile, “I love you too Mum.”

She smiled back and kissed my cheek before I got out of the car and made my way into the shop. Thankfully, it wasn’t too crowded and I spotted Louis almost immediately. But he wasn’t alone. That fact shouldn’t have scared me as much as it did, but I froze and my breath caught.

“They’re your surprise Harry!” Jason exclaimed, now making his way towards me, along with his two friends when my back hit the wall. “Surprise.”

I took a step back, never taking my eye’s off Louis and his friend, ready to bolt out of there when I bumped into a woman that was behind me, making her spill her coffee. We both gasped.

“Shit! I am so sorry!” I exclaimed. “I promise I didn’t see you there! It was an accident and-and…”

“Harry?” I heard Louis call softly. My head snapped around to face him now. I was shaking so badly by this point you’d think I was having an episode. Which, technically I guess I was. He was walking towards me cautiously, taking note of the state I was in. “Hey, are you okay?”

“It was an accident.” I whispered.

He nodded, stepping around me towards the woman. He handed her a couple of napkins and flashed her a bright smile, apologizing for me. Surprisingly she just smiled back, rubbed his arm then walked up to the counter to get a new coffee

“See? Everything’s fine Harry!” He said walking back over to me. “She’s a friend of my Mum’s, she babysits for us sometimes, so don’t worry about it okay?” I nodded, still frozen to the same spot. He gently grabbed my hand, and tugged it twice. “Come on, I hope you don’t mind but I invited my mate Liam.”

I let him pull me over to the table because again, something in those blue eyes, and his gentle tone of voice just made me feel protected. Safe, even. That’s what scared me most about Louis.

“Liam you know Harry from around school right? And Harry this is Liam.” Louis introduced.

“Hi…” I said timidly, taking a seat across from them both. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too Harry, Louis won’t stop talking about you. Its dimples this, curly hair that. I swear if I didn’t know any better I’d say he-“

“Goddammit Liam! You promised to shut your mouth!” Louis whined. “Everything was going fine!”

Liam rolled his eyes, smiling. “I told you I would get you back for telling Dani that I still had my toy story dol- Action figures in my room.”

“It slipped out mate, get over it! It’s not like she cared!”

“And it’s not like Harry cared that I said you talked about him, do you Harry?”

Of course I did. In fact if they hadn’t been bantering, they would’ve noticed the look of absolute shock on my face. But I just slowly shook my head, so they wouldn’t keep staring at me like that.

“See?” Liam continued. Louis just glared at him. “Aw why the sour face love?”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?”

Liam just laughed and I sat there quietly, just listening to them talk and argue, nodding when necessary. If I was honest it was kind of nice. It was really no different than when Niall was here and he would talk for hours, not caring if I talked back or not.

“So, why don’t we head out to the park, yeah? Before we go though, what’s your poison Harry?”

“My what?” I asked.

He chuckled, “What do you want to drink?”

“Oh um, I-I brought my own money… I can buy it.”

“I invited you right? So just tell me what you want, and I’ll get it.” He said softly.

“Um, iced green tea Latte?”

“One of my favorites,” He smiled. “The usual for you Liam?”

Liam nodded and Louis got up to go to the bar, leaving me and Liam alone in an awkward silence. He was staring at me though. Examining me in a way I didn’t like. My throat got dry and I started shaking again.

Did he not like me?

Was he planning on doing something while Louis was gone?

I pressed my thumb into my wrist and sighed a little when I felt that slight sting. But not as discreetly as I thought apparently. If I would’ve looked up, I would’ve seen Liam’s eyebrows raise in interest. I also would’ve seen the pity that was there for a split second.

But I never looked up.

Thank god for that.

(Louis POV)

After I paid for the drinks, we headed down to the park that was a couple minutes away from the shop. Despite it being summer time, since we were in London it was a bit nippy and looked like it might rain soon.

Harry was quiet the whole way there and I was worried that he might feel like a third wheel. So I tried to involve him in some of our conversations but all I could get out of him were one word responses or a nod of the head. It was a bit frustrating, but then again Harry didn’t talk much did he?

“It looks like it’s going to storm soon,” Liam suddenly announced. “I think I’m going to get a head start on home. Text me later okay Louis?”

Before I had a chance to answer, he was already jogging across the street. I turned back to Harry and smiled, “Guess it’s just you and me now!” He gave me a small one in return, then looked back at his feet. I sighed and sat on grass in the park. He did the same, but left some distance between us. “What’s wrong Harry?”

“I…Nothing. I’m fine.” He answered quietly.

“Doesn’t sound like it. What is it? Did you not want to come out today?”

He looked at me for a minute before biting his lip and picking at his shirt sleeve. I noticed he wasn’t wearing a jumper today.

“I’m just not use to hanging out with people other than Niall. I’m…Nervous.”

I laid backed and laughed in relief.

“Well thank god you’re just nervous! I was starting to think you thought I was some type of weird douchebag for randomly inviting you out!”

I heard him giggle beside me. “You’re not a douchebag. And we’re all a little weird right?”

“Touché Styles.”

“That woman at the shop…You said she babysat for you sometimes?” He asked timidly after a pregnant pause.

“Yeah, I five sisters. Lottie, Felicite, Georgia and the youngest which are the twins, Phoebe and Daisy. “

“Oh. What’s it like having that many siblings?”

“Well I’m the only boy and the oldest so it’s my responsibility to look out for them most of the time, but it’s cool. The twins can be a handful, but if you sit down and have a tea party once in a while, it actually gets kind of fun. And if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll kill you.”

I noticed him tense for a second until I winked playfully at him, which made him relax and smile a bit.

“But there’s honestly nothing worse than a teenage girl going through puberty. Lottie is by far the most scariest person you’ve ever seen when she’s PMS-ing. One minute she’ll be in her room groaning about cramps, the next she’ll be screaming in my face because of reasons I can’t even list, then she’ll tell me only her friend on tumblr understand her. What is a tumblr?!” I yelled.

At this point I noticed Harry was practically doubled over in laughter. I couldn’t help but laugh alongside with him. I was ecstatic that I was the one who made him laugh like this.

“I don’t think my sister Gemma was ever that bad, she’s 20 now.” He chuckled.

“Well thank god for that then you lucky bastard.”

He giggled again, and for an hour after that we sat there talking about little nothings. Or more like I rambled about nothing and he sat there listening. It was fun though.

At around four O’clock, we started walking back to the coffee shop, because it started raining, and Harry was cold. Thankfully, I had a hoodie to give to him and I sat with him under the foyer until his Mom pulled up.

“Thank you Louis. For inviting me out.” He said quietly, giving me another timid smile. “I had fun.”

I smiled widely “I’m glad, maybe we could hang out again sometime next week?” Harry nodded and gave me a small wave before getting up. “Oh wait Harry!” I yelled just before he ran off. “You should really smile more often. Your dimples are stunning.”

I could’ve sworn I saw him blush a vivid red before he turned away, and it made my stomach flip-flop.

I can’t believe it.

I think I’m falling for Harry Styles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ermmmmmm, I’m not too sure how I feel about this anymore… I think some parts could’ve been written better, but I just don’t know how to phrase them differently. 
> 
> Tell me what you think! :D xx


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

(Louis’ POV)

“How can you not see it Harry? It’s right there!” I exclaimed.

“I just don’t see anything; it looks like a regular cloud.” He retorted quietly.

“So you’re telling me that cloud does not look like Elvis Presley?”

He giggled beside me. “I think you’re insulting Elvis, saying he looks like a mess of nothing.”

I turned my head and pouted at him. He just gave me a small amused smile then turned back to look at the sky.

After hanging out on Saturday, we’d been hanging out together almost every day the following week. I could tell Harry was still hesitant about being around me, but he was slowly getting more comfortable around me.

Today, Instead of going off to the coffee shop or the park, we found a hill nearby and spent all day laying down saying what we thought the clouds looked like. Cliché, I know. But it’s what Harry wanted to do today, so how could I say no?

After a while of silence I sat up and turned towards Harry.

“Tell me something about you Harry.” I asked.

He didn’t look at me as he sat up too, moving back so we weren’t that close. I didn’t comment. I knew it wasn’t personal.

“Like…Like what?”

I shrugged. “Anything. I’ve been talking about me non-stop for four days! I want to know more about you.”

“I’m not that interesting… And I like hearing about you…”

I grinned, “Harry you are single handedly the most interesting person I’ve met, I’m not exaggerating either.”

He finally looked up from his knees to look at me curiously, “Really?”

“Yeah! So come on mate, tell me something. Anything. Like, when did you start drawing?”

He hesitated. “Um, about six or seven months ago. I taught myself.”

“So you always wanted to be an artist then?”

“No… It-it was something I had to do…”

“Had to do?” I asked, confused. “What, was it something you had to learn for some of your classes at the college?”

I noticed his hand grip his forearm tightly, but once again said nothing. I knew Harry had a lot of nervous habits.

“It was for therapy… It was an exercise.” He whispered.

I could tell he was getting really upset with the way this conversation was going, so I left it at that. No matter how curious I was as to why he was in therapy.

“Well you’ve got some serious talent there Styles. You reckon you could draw me one day? Just promise me I’ll look better than the one I drew.”

He laughed softly and looked up at me. “Yeah I can draw you if you like, just tell me when and I’ll bring my sketchbook.”

“How about now? Let’s go back to your hous-“

“No!” He suddenly exclaimed, green eyes widening. “Just… C-can we stay here?”

“Okay, okay we don’t have to go to your house, how about we just go to mine?”

He shook his head fervently, his expression growing terrified. “No please no. I-I like it outside. Please Louis?”

My brows furrowed, and I was so confused as to why he was reacting like this. It’s not like I wanted to-

Oh.

“Oh god Harry you thought I meant to- shit that is not how that was supposed to come out.” I chuckled in spite of myself. “I promise I’m not trying to get in your pants; assuming you know I’m gay, but considering I just made everything awkward now, let’s just stay here yeah?”

He nodded again, closing his eyes and letting out a huge shaky sigh. Without thinking, I reached over and put a hand over his, and he immediately jerked it back.

“Sorry.” I blurted out. “Just, you’re okay with me alright Harry? I won’t take advantage of you if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Harry just screwed his eyes closed tighter, and I swore I heard him whisper “That’s what he told me too.”

But it seemed like my ears were playing a lot of tricks on me lately.

(Harry’s POV)

Later that evening after Mum picked me up, I cut.

I waited until she went to sleep tonight, got in the shower and cut.

Four days I went without cutting, the four days I spent with Louis distracted me from thoughts of IT, but after our conversation today I couldn’t get IT out of my mind. So I slashed and slashed at my arms, until the water ran red and my arms felt so numb that all I could do was sit there and cry, even when the water went cold.

I never meant for things to get this bad. I never meant to become so dependent on a piece of metal. But after that first time, the first time I felt the razor pierce my skin I was hooked. No one understood why I needed it so much, why I needed to hurt myself. It pushed the emotional pain back and allowed me to focus on the physical pain, while all my worries flowed steadily out of my wrist. l I deserved to feel the pain. I was nothing. Worthless.

For a minute there in the shower, I wondered what would happen if I cut deep enough. Just enough to hit that vein. That thought however didn’t last long.

Mum came in wondering why the water had been running for an hour and a half.

I’d never quite seen my mom cry as hard as she did last night when she held me in bed, bandages wrapped around both my forearms. I didn’t even have enough energy to feel horrible like I usually did right after.

I just wanted to sleep. Why couldn’t I sleep forever?

…

That following morning, Mum had removed every sharp object from the house for the time being. She wasn’t taking any chances.

But I still had a razor tucked away in the back of my phone. Was it sick that, that thought comforted me?

I did start to feel the guilt settle in though that morning at breakfast. She wouldn’t even look me in the eyes.

“Mum?” I whispered. “I’m sorry I disappointed you again…”

She didn’t reply right away, and when she finally looked at me for the first time, her eyes were glazed over. She reached over the table and smoothed a hand through my hair.

“I’m not disappointed Harry. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore. I thought things were getting better. I thought bringing this Louis guy into your life would be a good thing.”

I pushed the eggs around on my plate. “It’s not his fault Mum… That’s not why I… Why I hurt myself. I just can’t forget Mum… He’s always in there somewhere…”

A lone tear made its way down my face and before she had the chance to say anything, the doorbell rang. I tensed up. No one besides Niall, Mum and Gemma knew I lived here.

Mum patted my hand, got out of her chair and padded to the front door.

“Hey Anne!” A thick Irish accent yelled. I perked up and couldn’t help but feel the start of a smile on my lips. But that didn’t last long, as I looked down at my bandage covered arms. What if he got mad at me? Would he be disappointed too?

“Niall! What are you doing back so soon?” Mum asked, sounding genuinely pleased to see him.

“Well Harry was telling me so much about this Louis person, I had to come make sure another guy hadn’t swept him away right? Where is he? Haz!”

He came walking into the kitchen and I stood up to greet him. He came in wearing a huge smile that immediately faltered when he looked at the bandages on my arms. He dropped the one bag he had and came running over.

“Harry what happened? Are you okay?” He asked, gently grabbing my arms examining them. That’s when the dams broke again. I threw my arms around his neck and cried. He rubbed my back, and I heard him tell Mum to give us a couple minutes.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay Harry, you know I’m not going to be mad at you. Looks like you cut pretty deep this time though. What happened?”

“He just won’t go away Niall, he’s always there, terrorizing me. No matter what I do. I just want to forget, I just want to forget…”

He pulled away from me and motioned for me to sit down. He pulled a chair around the table and sat in front of me. “Haz, this is exactly what he wants from you. He wants you to lose your shit over him. Do you want to give him the satisfaction of knowing your crumbling at the seams right now, or do you want to get back at him? You’ve got to stop letting him control your life. I know it’s hard, but I know you can do it. And in the end it’s going to be you who will end out on top.”

I sniffled. He handed me a napkin to wipe my eyes. “I’m trying Niall, but I can’t-“

“Promise, I know. But that’s okay, because I believe you Harry. You told me you hadn’t cut in three days last time we talked. That’s a pretty good number lad. I’m proud of you.” My mouth twitched up a little at that. “Could that Louis bloke be the reason for you not cutting?”

My smile widened and I felt a blush settle on my cheeks. “He’s really funny… He takes my mind off of things for a while. I like him Ni.”

“Really now? Well do you feel like some fresh air? Maybe take a walk, get some coffee?”

I nodded, happy to jump at the opportunity to get out the house. It was too tense in here and making me anxious.

“Good. Because I want you to call up Louis so I can meet him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rough time for Hazza in this chapter :( I know I was jumping all over the place in this chapter, but I had writers block SUE ME.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

(Harry’s POV)

“Niall I’m not so sure about this anymore.” I said.

We we’re sitting in a place called Milkshake City waiting on Louis to meet us here. I was watching Niall work his way through his second milkshake, trying to distract myself in anyway possible.

“Ah, brain freeze…” He announced, screwing his eyes shut and holding a finger up. I cracked an amused smile. “Everything will be fine Harry. I’m not going to eat him alive; I just want to meet him.”

I looked down and pulled at my jumpers sleeves self-consciously. “Just… Be nice to him yeah?” I mumbled.

“You really do like him don’t you?” Niall asked softly. I bit my lips as I felt my cheeks heat up.

I wasn’t supposed to feel like this about Louis, I wasn’t supposed to feel like this with any boy again, but I couldn’t help it. You just couldn’t help but like Louis. He was always smiling or joking about something even when he was having a bad day, and he was loud and outgoing. Everything about him was in contrast with me, and it was… interesting.

“Don’t worry lad, I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.”

I looked up long enough to give him a thankful smile right when we heard the bell on the door ring, alerting us someone was walking in. I looked over and saw Louis scanning the place for us. When his eyes landed on me he gave me that wide cheeky smile of his and I couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey Harry! I’m glad you called me, I was worried about you.” He greeted.

“Worried? About me?” I repeated a little surprised.

“Yeah, I mean when you left yesterday you seemed upset. I’m just glad to see you’re okay.”

I looked away from him partially because it was nice to hear he worried about me, and partially in shame. If only he knew just how far away from okay I was.

“Hey mate, it’s nice to meet you again.” Niall cut in when he saw me look away. “I hope you don’t mind me tagging along?”

“Nope! It’s nice to meet you on better terms too.” Louis smiled, taking the seat next to me. He moved it over a little, and my heart fluttered a bit in my chest at the thoughtfulness of the gesture. The feeling quickly fell when I realized just how sick it was of me to feel like it was a caring gesture when someone moved away from me. My arms throbbed.

“-I just had to come meet the guy that Harry kept bragging on about.” Niall said, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Niall!” I whispered loudly, even though I knew Louis could still hear me.

“What? You do.”

Louis laughed beside me and I flushed a bright red.

“Its karma Styles! Remember when Liam embarrassed me in front of you? Doesn’t feel so nice on the other end now does it?”

I turned and stuck my tongue out at him and he just chuckled again. I could see Niall studying us out the corner of my eye.

“Hey haz, why don’t you give me a minute with Louis?” I gave him a panicked look and his gaze softened some. He motioned for me to get up and I walked with him to about three tables away from ours. “I just want to talk to him, make sure his intentions with you are good.”

“Niall don’t tell him anything, please.” I begged quietly, rubbing my arms as if to emphasis my point.

“You know I wouldn’t do that Harry, not unless you wanted me to. I’ll be quick yeah?”

I nodded hesitantly and watched as he walked back over to the table and sat in front of Louis.

I sighed and looked out the window beside me. If Louis hadn’t thought I was weird before, he definitely would now, with some random stranger asking him how he felt about me.

There goes that throbbing.

(Louis’ POV)

When Niall sat back down in front of me, a question that had been plaguing my mind just slipped out.

“Are you Harry’s boyfriend?” I blurted.

Niall looked at me shocked, “What? No! Me and Harry are just friends.”

I let out a quiet sigh. Thank goodness. That would’ve been awkward.

“Why? Do you have a problem with Harry being gay?” He asked defensive now.

I laughed, “I’m the last person you should be asking that question. I practically bashed my mate Zayn’s face in for bashing him.” I felt a twinge of sadness when I thought about Zayn. We haven’t talked to each in weeks.

I saw Niall smirk a little bit at that. “What exactly are your intentions towards Harry? I mean you’ve never paid any attention to him before.”

“I’d never seen him before that day he bumped into me in the hall. And I just want to hang out with him. Harry’s… interesting.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Interesting?”

“He doesn’t talk much, but he’s the most interesting person I’ve met. Is there a reason why he’s so shy?”

I didn’t miss the glint of anger that flashed through his eyes. “Look, mate… Harry’s a great guy once you get to know him, but you’ve got to be patient with him alright?” I nodded slowly in agreement. “I know you don’t know me that well, but just promise me you won’t hurt him.”

I stared the Irish lad in the eyes and I was confused at the amount of worry in his voice. Why did everyone think I was going to hurt him? Did I have a reputation that I didn’t know about?

“I promise. I couldn’t hurt him even if I wanted to. I mean have you seen his dimples?” I joked, trying to ease the mood. And it worked because Niall obviously relaxed and laughed.

“I’m going to get a refill, get Harry will you?” He asked, then got up and walked towards front counter. I stood and walked over to the booth Harry was sitting in, and sat down, him watching me the whole time.

“You sure do have a good friend in Niall, I can tell he really worries about you.” I stated.

“Did he…What did he say to you?” Harry asked, hugging one of his knees to his chest.

I shrugged. “Nothing you need to worry about. He can’t run me off that easily if that’s what you mean. You’re stuck with me now.”

He colored slightly giving me a shy smile, Then the rest of the day went by smoothly.

Harry was a lot more talkative with Niall around although he talked enough for the three of us. I ended up really liking Niall, he was just a ball of energy. I could see him and Liam really getting along.

When it started get dark outside, I was disappointed that our day was coming to an end.

“It was nice to get to know you Louis, I believe you owned up to Harry’s descriptions of you.”

I smiled widely at Harry when he let out a quiet groan of embarrassment. “Can we just go Ni?”

Niall ruffled his hair, said goodbye to me one more time then headed towards his car.

“Call me when you want to meet up again okay Harry?” I told him.

He nodded, biting his lip then all of a sudden he threw his arms around my waist. I was so surprised that for the two seconds he hugged me, I was frozen in my spot.

“Bye Louis.” He said quietly then sped off towards Niall’s car. I was still frozen to the same spot.

I watched them pull off, and managed to wave when they drove past me, and then all of a sudden a huge smile made its way across my face.

Harry just hugged me.

Harry styles…Just hugged me.

I laughed giddily as I started walking towards my house. It was borderline ridiculous how that little hug had my stomach in knots that I had to shake my head at myself. And I was so caught up in my happy little bubble, that I didn’t notice the person who was standing on the opposite sidewalk standing there.

Watching me with curious eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OoooOOOoooOoOoOOOOoOOh whaaaaaaat?!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

(Harry’s POV)

I hadn’t been to the library in a while since I’d been hanging out with Louis so much lately, so since he was out with Liam today, and Niall wanted a day to unpack, that’s where I spent the whole day.

As soon as I walked through the doors of the building, I felt all the tension leave my body and I smiled a bit at the familiarity of the place. The library was always a home away from home for me. So I picked a book off the self and settled in mine and Niall’s corner in the back and sat there for hours just reading and after a while, drawing.

I remembered Louis asked me to draw a picture of him and I wondered for a few minutes of how I should draw him. I couldn’t help my lips twitching up as I pictured his smile, and the way his eyes crinkled up around the edges when he was laughing. I envied the way he could smile and laugh and be happy with no restraints.

I shook my head. None of those thoughts today.

Back to Louis. I decided I wanted to draw him from that first day we spent at the park. His smile was so contagious, that when I got home that night my cheeks hurt from the muscles going unused for so long. Even now just thinking about that day a smile spread across my face.

So I drew the first line to Louis’ cheekbones and then it was just a blur of my hand over the paper as my imagination took over. I drew non-stop for two hours straight, and I was just adding details to his hair when my phone vibrated in my pocket making me jump.

Things are running late at the open house tonight hun, call Niall and have him pick you up . I love you xx -Mum (I actually don’t know what Anne does for a living so I made her a real estate agent.)

Furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, I looked at the time on my phone and realized it was going on 6 o’clock. Had it really been that long since I’d gotten here? I quickly gathered my stuff together while I dialed Niall’s number. I got his voice mail.

'Maybe he's just away from his phone…' I thought dialing his number again.

Voicemail. 

I worried my bottom lip as I stood there, my fingers hovering over the keys. I contemplated calling Louis, but I don’t think he would appreciate me interrupting his plans because I was too afraid to walk home alone.

So I took a deep breath, and told myself to just suck it up.

'Its right around the corner Harry, you'll be fine…You'll be fine.'

I walked out the library, and I swear it was the fastest I’ve ever walked in my life.

Now, it wasn’t so much that I was afraid of walking home; I just didn’t like to do it alone. I hated being alone for various reasons, but the main reason was because I always felt like I was being watched.

Sounds cliché but its true. IT was still out there somewhere, I knew he was. And I tried not to think too much on that, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that he might still be out there somewhere, waiting to hurt me again.

That thought, mixed with the sun going down and the eerie quietness of the streets, freaked me the hell out. I clutched my bag tighter, speeding my steps up, feeling the beginnings of a panic attack.

Maniacal laughter chasing after me. They thought it was hilarious. They thought my fear was amusing. 

A click, as I locked the door and a soft thud as I cowered away in the closet. 

A muffled whimper and I covered my ears, to block the sound of banging on the door from coming in.

But it didn’t matter. It was happening anyways. I couldn’t hide forever.

By this point I was sprinting towards my house, and when I reached the door, I quickly unlocked it, threw myself inside, slammed the door shut and leaned my back up against it. My chest heaved up and down as I struggled to catch my breath. I slid down to the floor, clutching a hand over my chest gasping for air.

Even in my struggle, I fumbled in my pocket for my phone, hesitating for a second on what I should do.

I could get the razor and feel that sweet relief immediately or I considered calling Louis.

(Louis’ POV)

I felt a little bad for lying to Harry today about hanging out with Liam today, but I had to talk to Zayn and I knew Harry was practically terrified of him.

I hadn’t talked to Zayn since that incident in the dining hall with Harry and I hated holding grudges. I hated knowing something wasn’t right between me and somebody else.

So here I was standing outside of Zayn’s house, waiting for him to answer the door. I was standing there for about three minutes before he decided to finally answer the door.

“Louis?” He asked shocked.

I grinned. “Took you long enough to drag your ass out of bed. So are you going to invite me in or what?”

I didn’t even wait for an answer and brushed past him into the loft.

“What are you doing here Louis?” He asked, closing the door behind me. “I mean, you haven’t spoken to me in two weeks.”

“I can’t come check up on a friend?” He stared at me with a blank expression, and I sighed, dropping the some-what forced smile. “Look Zayn, I was pissed at you for picking fun at Harry. He’s not… He can’t handle it when people gang up on him like that. And I… I fancy him, I didn’t necessarily like finding him crying in a janitors closet.”

"He was crying? Shit- I swear we didn’t know we freaked him out that much. I'm sorry.” I nodded my acceptance at his apology. Then his eyes widened like he just realized something. “Wait, you fancy Harry Styles?”

I felt my cheeks heat and I shrugged, ducking my head to hide a fond smile growing on my face. “We’ve been hanging out lately and he’s... God he's so amazing. He was really quiet before I got to know him, but… I think I might be falling for him.”

We stood there in silence for a while and I was growing more nervous by the minute.

“I use to fancy Niall Horan you know.” He suddenly said. My head snapped up and I stared at him surprised. “Don’t look so shocked, I think you always knew I was interested in boys and girls.”

“No. I mean yeah, I noticed the way you talked about them sometimes but I never thought… Huh. The things you learn about a guy. How come you never told me?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “I think that’s one of the reasons I agreed to pick fun at Harry. If I was honest, I was jealous.”

“Well you don’t have to worry about that mate, they’re just friends. And Niall’s really cool, I think maybe you and Liam would get on with him pretty well.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but the shrill sound of my phone interrupted him. I held up a finger and answered it.

“Hello?”

“L-louis?” I heard Harry breathe.

“Harry? What’s wrong?” I asked, genuinely worried. He sounded like he’d just run a mile.

I heard a broken sob on the other end. “No one will answer the phone Louis! Mum’s at work and Niall just won’t pick up, I didn’t know who else to call!”

“Hey, just calm down yeah?” I said softly, but urgently. “Tell me where you are Harry.”

I could hear him hesitate for a moment. “I-I’m at home. I live in the houses on Chester road. I-Its house 426.”

“Okay, I’m on my way now.” I hung up and Zayn was looking at me half worried and confused.

“Everything alright?” He asked.

“No, something is wrong with Harry. Sorry but I’ve got to go.”

He nodded and I ran out to my car and sped off.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I couldn't update yesterday! I may or may not have fell asleep while editing, haha.
> 
> So i'll try to get two up today! :) xxxx Enjoy!

(Louis’ POV)

I don’t think I’ve ever driven any faster than I did in the few minutes it took me to get to Harry’s house. I’m pretty sure I broke a couple ‘road laws’ but I didn’t care. I just wanted to make sure Harry was okay.

I pulled up to the address he gave me, and barely shut the car off before I was running up the steps to his door.

I knocked softly, despite my panicked mood, not wanting to startle him.

“Harry? It’s me Louis, open the door.” I yelled.

I heard distant sniffles and soft footsteps as he padded his way towards the door. After what sounded like a million locks being unlocked, he slowly pulled the door open and my heart broke when I saw him.

His eyes were glassy and bloodshot, with tear streaks running down his flushed cheeks

“Harry…” I said quietly, taking a step towards him then I stopped. I wanted to hug him, but I wasn’t sure if he would be comfortable with me doing that. So Instead, I just gently gripped his forearms. “Are you okay? What happened?”

He sniffled, and looked down at his feet. “Come in.” He whispered.

I squeezed his arms a little then slowly stepped around him. He closed the door and made sure to lock all of the locks again. He motioned for me to follow him and walked under an arch way, leading into a living room. I noticed how bare his house was. Almost like he didn’t even bother trying to decorate.

“Y-you can sit if you want.”

“Harry please tell me what’s wrong.” I pleaded, getting even more worried.

“I…I just…I was scared because I was having a panic attack a-and I couldn’t breathe and it just wouldn’t stop playing in my head. I-I’m sorry I messed up your day, and made you leave but no one would answer the phone. I couldn’t be alone right now-“

“Hey,” I said softly, taking a step towards him. “You didn’t mess up my day Harry, you never could. I’m glad you called me. So tell me what you’re talking about, you said something wouldn’t stop playing in your head?” I sat down on the couch closest to me and he followed suit, curling up with his knees to his chest.

“I can’t…”He whispered. “I don’t want to talk about it Louis- I just…I needed someone before I hurt myself…”

“Hurt yourself?” I asked, my eyes widening. “What do you mean hurt yourself?”

He looked at me, terrified. “No no no… I-I didn’t mean to say that Louis. It’s not what I mea-“

“Harry have you- do you…?” I choked out, unable to even finish my sentence

No. He couldn’t be. I knew he had his fair share of problems but hurting himself?

And then I remembered all the long sleeve shirts and bracelets he wore all the time and felt my stomach give a nasty turn. How could I have not noticed?

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard a sob escape his lips. I looked over and saw him with his head buried him his knees, arms tightly wound around himself.

“Please don’t hate me…You can’t hate me Louis. I’m sorry, I d-didn’t want you to find out. I’m sorry.” After that, he was just mumbling things I couldn’t make out because of how hard he was crying.

I couldn’t hold myself back this time. I moved over and pulled him into my arms. He didn’t try to fight me. He just fisted a hand in my shirt and buried his head in my chest.

“Harry… I don’t hate you.” I said swallowing the lump that had lodges its way into my throat. “I don’t think you understand how physically impossible it is for me to hate you. Why though Harry? Why…Why would you do that?”

I felt him shake his head as another sob wrecked though his body.

“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it right now. Just know that I don’t feel any different about you, alright? And I never will, you’ll always just be my hazza right?”

I was hoping that would get at least a small smile from of him, but had no success. Instead I settled for holding him tightly, reassuring him every couple of minutes that it was okay and I was here and that I wasn’t going anywhere. After what seemed like an hour, he had quieted down and his grip was slowly falling lax on my shirt.

“Haz?” I called softly, looking down at him. His eyes were closed, and his mouth was agape just a bit. He’d cried himself to sleep. He looked so peaceful and at rest while he was asleep, that I just didn’t have the heart to wake him up. So I sat there for who knows how long, pressing a soft kiss to his head before rest my cheek on top of it and dozing in and out of sleep a few times myself. Despite the reason why I was there, I felt the butterfly’s in my stomach, finally realizing the fact that I was holding Harry in my arms. I couldn’t help the small grin that formed on my face. God I was such a teenage girl.

“Harry! I’m home love!” I heard his Mum, I’m assuming call into the house and I panicked for a split second.

She didn’t even know me, but here I was holding her son in a fairly intimate way on their couch. Shit.

“Har- Who are you?” She asked freezing in the entrance. “Oh my goodness Harry! What did you do to him?” She yelled.

“Wait, Wait I’m not some weirdo I promise.” I said, holding harry tighter when he whimpered quietly in his sleep. “I’m his friend, Louis. He called me, crying and I just wanted to make sure he was okay.”

She sighed in obvious relief and gave me a big smile. “Thank goodness you’re just Louis… Is he okay?”

Being surprised at how comfortable she was at me sitting here was an understatement and I briefly wondered how she knew who I was.

“Um, honestly I don’t know. I mean he told me bits and pieces, like he couldn’t stop thinking about something, and he didn’t want to hurt himself. I’m assuming that something happened he was just really upset about.”

She walked over and ran a hand through Harry’s curls, her eyes turning glassy. I gently patted her arm giving her a small smile hoping to comfort her as well.

“Don’t get upset Mrs. Styles. It happens to the best of us, and Harry called me instead of hurting himself so that good right?”

She gave me a watery smile, and nodded. “Just call me Anne, love. Do you mind getting him up to his room? I don’t think he would handle it too well if he woke up in someone’s arms.”

Knowing Harry, she was probably right. So I gently moved him off my chest, stood up, then picked him up getting ready to carry him upstairs.

“Louis?” Anne called softly. “Thank you.”

I smiled at her again before turning around and walking up the stairs.

(Harry’s POV *it’s not going to be that long, sorry!*)

First thing I realized when I woke up was the fact that I was in my own room, and Louis was nowhere to be found. Then I realized that Louis had found out one of my biggest secrets last night.

I remembered hearing him tell me he wouldn’t think of me any differently, but they all did when they found out. Mum looked at me differently, and so did Gemma and Niall. None of them treated me quite the same either.

I closed my eyes tighter and curled myself up tighter, wishing I could just disappear into myself. Yeah. That would be nice, to just disappear. It would be easier and less painful for everyone than… the alternative.

Last night was one of the toughest nights I’d had ever since I started college. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t contemplated death more than twice last night. But being there with Louis helped me. He side tracked the thoughts for a while, before he started pressing me for answers. Then it all just got overwhelming from that point on, and that’s how I ended up letting him hold me while I cried. I felt ashamed, dirty, and unworthy of having him comfort me, which made me cry harder, but yet I couldn’t bring myself to pull away from him last night. I just needed to feel safe, just for a couple minutes. While he still wanted me.

All of a sudden my door flew open and I gasped, quickly sitting up. I was surprised to see Louis walking in with Niall right behind him.

“G’Morning love!” Louis said a bit too cheerily for my liking. “We came bearing food!”

Louis walked over to my windows, opening the blinds, making me squint against the light. Niall pulled over my desk chair and sat a plate of food on my night stand before looking at me with worried eyes.

“You alright Haz?” He asked quietly. “I’m so sorry I never answered my phone last night. I fell asleep after unpacking.”

“I’m fine Niall.” I croaked. My voice was worn out from crying so much.

“That’s good then yeah?” Louis said, smiling his dazzling smile. God why couldn’t I control myself with him? I found myself flushing and smiling back almost immediately, even if it was a small one. “Good! Let’s get some food into you then! It’s all courtesy of your Mum, she’ll be up in a few. I would’ve made breakfast myself, but I’ve never cooked a meal in my life. I don’t think you’d appreciate me setting fire to your house either.”

My smile widened a bit and I looked up into his eyes. I could still see he was worried and curious about last night but, I still saw the genuine happiness in them too.

So he did tell me the truth.

Nothing else had changed when he looked at me now.

And that made a certain feeling settle in the pit of my stomach. One that I hadn’t felt in a long.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I ever tell you guys that this story was based on a song? Haha, I used some of the lyrics in this chapter and figured you might want to give it a listen! Its called "He Heals Me" By Indie.aria
> 
> Enjoy! xxx

Harry’s POV)

For the next week I was on lock down.

Or, at least it felt like it.

Mum wouldn’t let me go outside, or even to the library unless her or Niall were with me every second I was gone. She even went as far to take the forks out of the house now.

I knew it was all out of love and concern for me, but the forks? 

Honestly.

Meal times were a hassle as you probably guessed.

I hadn’t heard much from Louis either. He came to visit again after that night, but after that it was just random text messages or phone calls from time to time telling me he was busy. I knew it was too good to be true to think that he might actually accept my problem and still like me. Who would?

I was nothing worth holding onto. Just stupid, naïve, broken little Harry.

“Hey, Harry what’s wrong?” Niall asked nudging my leg with his foot, mouth half full with food.

It was another day of lockdown. Mum was at work and Niall was playing babysitter.

“What isn’t?” I mumbled. I looked down at my legs when he gave me concerned but also stern ‘don’t start’ look. 

“Nothing okay Niall? I’m just sick of being fussed over like a baby. I do like to be alone sometimes.”

“Well I’m sorry Haz, but we just want to make sure you don’t... We just want to make sure you don’t spend too much time in your own head.”

“What could I possibly do? Mum took everything out of the house! Even the damn forks!”

“You’ve gotten creative in the past Harry.” He pointed out.

I looked down, ashamed, pulling at a loose string on my jeans and heard him sigh. He reached out and gently squeezed my arm.

“Sorry, that was too far. But don’t get mad at me. You know I’ve never treated you any different; I’m just here to keep you company because I want to as well. If you’re sick of me, call up Louis.”

“He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore…” I whispered.

That made him sit up. “Did he tell you that? Harry I swear if he only stopped-“

“No he didn’t tell me that directly… But he hasn’t really bothered talking to me ever since that night. It’s not hard to put two and two together…”

“Have you tried calling him? Maybe he’s just been busy.” Niall suggested.

I snorted. “Yeah busy ignoring the freak.” I turned away from Niall as I felt tears burning in my eyes. “I knew I should’ve never let him in…”

“Give me your phone mate. I’m going to ring him.”

I pointed to it sitting on the table. “Good luck getting hold of him.” 

Niall patted my leg before getting up and walking out the room with my phone. I closed my eyes, curling up against the couch, trying to ignore the constant itch on my arm. I still had that one lone razor hidden away in my phone case but I couldn’t go to it now that I was being watched over twenty-four seven. All my other cuts were scabbed over by now, and scratching them just didn’t give me that same relief as blood trickling down my arm did.

It was sick to think like I did, but I couldn’t stop it. I just wanted to feel better. 

Why couldn’t I feel better?

“Louis will be over in ten minutes.” I heard Niall say behind me.

My eyes popped open and I turned to face him, “What?”

“I said he’ll be here in ten minutes to pick you up, so you should change.”

“H-how did you get him to come?” I asked, genuinely surprised. I thought Louis was purposely avoiding me.

“I told him you really wanted to get out of the house and spend time with someone other than me and Anne. He told me he’d been planning to come see you anyways. So go! And take a quick shower too. I love you but mate, you smell.”

I jumped up and gave him a quick hug, making him laugh. “Thank you Ni.” I said quietly.

“8 minutes Harry.”

I couldn’t stop the small smile from spreading across my lips and walked upstairs to get ready.

…

By the time I was done getting ready, Louis was already sitting downstairs chatting with Niall. My heart started racing when I saw Louis sitting there. He was smiling at something Niall said, and I realized just then that I actually missed him.

“Hi Louis.” I said softly making my appearance known. He looked in my direction and his smile widened.

“Hey Haz!” He exclaimed, standing up. “Feels like weeks since I last saw you!” He walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. I started to flinch away, but it was Louis. He wouldn’t hurt me, right? “Are you okay?”

"No…"

"Yeah I’m fine." I grinned.

He smiled back, “Good! Let’s get out of here then. Bye Niall!”

Niall waved at Louis and then looked at me. “Have fun Harry, you deserve to live a little.” He joked, but I heard the underlying sincerity.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t believe him, but I would try to have fun because I was glad to see Louis. So I settled for nodding and following Louis out the door.

“Where’d you want to go? I was thinking the park?” Louis asked, smiling at me.

“Yeah that sounds good.” I replied.

The walk to the park was quiet and tense because I could tell something was off with Louis even though he hid it pretty well. Was he regretting coming out with me?

When we got to the park things were even more tense. Louis kept looking around like he was checking to make sure nobody was around. Like he was ashamed to even be seen with me anymore.

“Are you okay?” I asked this time.

He looked at me confused. “Yeah, why do you ask?”

My eyes started to blur, and I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “You keep looking around like you’re making sure no one will see us… We could go back to the house if you don’t want to be seen with me…” I whispered.

“You think I’m embarrassed of you Harry?” I couldn’t reply. If said anything, he’d know I was about to cry. “Look at me,” He demanded softly. I slowly looked up and he reached up and gently wiped a stray tear off my cheek. “I’m not afraid to be seen with you Haz, have I ever? I have no reason to be. It’s just… been a weird week is all. I’m just being paranoid; it has nothing to do with you okay?”

I could tell he wasn’t lying to me. I was getting good at reading him by now. So I just nodded and he smiled at me.

“Why are you paranoid?” I asked, curiously.

He shrugged. “It’s silly. Like haven’t you ever gotten that feeling like someone was watching you?” He laughed quietly at himself. “I don’t know. That’s just how I felt all week. I’m not watching anymore horror movies with Liam, I’ll tell you that.”

I giggled and now the conversation flowed more easily. He talked about his week, and I told how Mum had me on absolute lock down for right now.

“I’m glad you agreed to come over. I think I would’ve gone mental.” I said timidly. He just smiled.

“I’m glad to hang out with you again. Five days was much too long for me.” I felt my cheeks heat up.

There went those damn butterflies again. Why did I always let him make me feel this way?

“Hey Harry?” He asked. “Can I…Can I see them? Your scars?”

I looked at him with wide eyes and frantically shook my head.

“I’m not going to judge them or anything like that. I just want to look.”

“You promise?” I whispered, rubbing my arm self-consciously. Niall was the only person who’d ever really seen my cuts. But then again that’s because he’s the one who always patched them up.

“I swear.”

I took a deep breath and lifted up one sleeve of my jumper. I closed my eyes when I heard his sharp inhale of breath. I could see every single scar in my head. I could remember each date and each reason why they were there like I’d put them there yesterday.

I flinched back when I felt his fingers on them.

“Sorry, sorry I won’t touch.” He apologized. I stiffly nodded and he continued examining them for what seemed like forever. “Beautiful…” He told me.

My eyes opened and I saw him looking at them with an unreadable expression. I looked at him like he had three heads.

“Beautiful?”

He didn’t even look up at me. “I mean, obviously not for the reason they got there or how they got there, but it’s weird. I mean, they’re apart of you Harry, and I… I think you’re beautiful, which makes everything, even your flaws, beautiful. To me.”

I slowly pulled my arm away from him and shook my head.

I wasn’t beautiful. I was hideous. Dirty, worthless.

“You are Harry, why don’t you think you are?” He asked.

“I’m nothing but a waste of space Louis. I’m not perfect like you.”

“I’m flattered you think I’m perfect Harry, but I am far from it. Nobody is, that’s what makes us all so unique. If we were all perfect, there’d be no point in life. Everything would be exactly the same and that would drive me absolutely nuts. You’re perfectly imperfect love, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “You don’t understand…I’m not-I’m not happy Louis.” I whispered. “I hurt myself for Christ sakes, and you think that’s beautiful?”

“What I think is that you hurt yourself because it’s the only thing you think you have control over when you’re upset. Now, I may not know what it is that makes you feel the way you do, but I do know you’re an amazing person. You have a great heart and I love being around you. I don’t care about physical flaws. I do wish you didn’t feel like you had to hurt yourself, but you’re a beautiful person and that’s all that matters to me.”

I just stared at him with a blank expression. I couldn’t bring myself to believe any of the words that came out of his mouth. It had already been etched into my mind just how disgusting of a person I was. But that didn’t stop the fluttering I felt in my gut when he was looking at me.

“Plus you have great hair. That’s a bonus.” He added. That’s what cracked me; I threw my head back and let out a heartfelt laugh that he joined in.

“You know something; the very first relationship I was in was with a girl. Her name was Eleanor. This was when I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was attracted to boys. She was a good friend, too clingy for my liking, but still she was nice. And we dated for about four months before I finally told her I think I liked guys. She completely flipped shit. Yelled at me for ten minutes straight, stormed out the house, and when I got to school the next day she’d told everyone. I was so ashamed that I skipped school that whole week. But when I got back, some people were supportive but most of them just picked fun at me and called me a ‘fag’.”

He smiled bitterly at the memory and picked at blades of grass. I was confused as to why he was telling me this.

“I was sitting at lunch alone one day, when some random guy from the track team came over to me and full out kissed me on the lips. I was so shocked that I didn’t even have the right mind to pull away. The whole lunch room fell silent and just stared at us, I was mortified. But then the guy pulled away from me, face beet red, and yelled. ‘I like guys too! And there’s nothing wrong with it so piss off.’ I wanted to punch that bloke so hard in his face, but then people started clapping for him. That’s when he turned to me and introduced himself as Liam. That’s why he’s my best mate. He’s not even gay, but he told everyone he was for me.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” I asked, quietly.

He shrugged, giving me a bright smile. “You told me one of your biggest secrets. I thought it would only be fair to tell you one of mine.”

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. I was in awe of how amazing Louis truly was. Why did he even bother to be friends with me?

And the worst thing about this all is that I could feel myself slowly, but surely developing feelings for him.

Something I promised myself I would never do again.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit of a filler only because I had to move the plot along, you'll see what I mean WINKWINK

_We were at a beach, Louis and I._

_It was a beach that I loved so much as a child and Mum would take me and Gemma every summer. I could never remember why we stopped going exactly, but I was glad to be back. I missed it. The sun beaming down on my pale skin, the smiling sun-kissed strangers and kids building castles in the sand._

_Louis and I however were walking down by the shore away from all the people, walking together in a comfortable silence._

_“Hey Harry?” He called. I turned to look at him and he gave me a cheeky smile. “Race you to the water!”_

_Before I could even process what he had yelled, Louis was sprinting towards the water. I chuckled and raced after him, but as soon as my feet stepped into the water I gasped and jumped back from the cold sting._

_“I win!” Louis exclaimed from the water. “Time to start working out Styles, you’re slowing down!”_

_I rolled my eyes even though he probably couldn’t see me. “How are you even in there right now? It’s freezing!” I yelled back._

_He started swimming back towards me. “S’not so bad once you get used to it. Come on, jump in.”_

_I took a step back, “No, I am not freezing to death.”_

_“Aw come on love, it’s lonely in here!” I shook my head again, only I couldn’t stop the smile from forming on my lips.   “If you don’t get in, I’ll just have to bring you in Harry.” He threatened._

_I narrowed my eyes. “You wouldn’t.”_

_He just smiled and winked at me, then next thing I knew I was slung over his shoulder._

_“Louis put me down!” I laughed. “Louis I bloody swear if you don’t put me down I’ll murder you!”_

_“God you’re fucking heavy you Sasquatch.” He complained._

_“Louis! Put me down!”_

_“Well since you asked me so nicely…”_

_I let out a completely manly squeak when all of a sudden I was airborne, then engulfed in freezing cold water. I gasped when I broke the surface and he was doubled over laughing at me. I glared at him and splashed water at him._

_“It’s not funny you tosser, I’m freezing!” I playfully pouted, because I wasn’t really mad, but my lips were shaking and my teeth were chattering from the cold._

_“I’m sorry love,” He chuckled. “Come here and let me warm you up then.”_

_He opened his arms and I happily swam into them. He softly rubbed up and down my arms in a warm, soothing manner. I rested my head on his chest sighing contently when I felt his lips on the top of my head. I closed my trying savor the moment…_

_My eyes flew open when I heard loud pounding on the door instead of the calming sounds of the beach. I looked around the dark space, frantically trying to find Louis, when I realized where I was._

_The closet. A closet that looked way to familiar._

_I cover my ears. “No no no…” I muttered to myself. I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be back with Louis, where I was safe._

_I heard the wood on the door finally splinter as it broke off its hinges and I held back my scream of terror by biting into one of my shirts._

_“Harry…” IT called. I curled up tighter in the closet, trying to hold my sobs back._

_“Harry…” IT called again, getting closer and closer to where I was._

_Please don’t open the door._

_“Harry!” IT yelled, finally swing the closet door open._

“NO!” I screamed, shooting up in my bed.

 

“Harry! Harry, calm down. It’s just me, Louis.” A soft voice said next to me.

 

As soon as I heard Louis’ voice I immediately sought him out and wrapped my trembling arms tightly around his neck. He cautiously returned the embrace and rubbed my back.

 

“You’re here…” I whispered.

 

“Yeah, I’m right here babe, It was just a nightmare.” He answered.

 

“I’ll give you a moment with him Louis. Call if you need me.” I heard Mum say, then the soft click of the door as she shut it behind her.

 

Louis held me for another minute before pulling away and looking at me concerned. “You want to talk about it?”

 

I shook my head. That was something I would never be ready to talk about.

 

He gave me a small smile and stood up. “Well get dressed, I wanted to take you out to breakfast! I know this place that sells amazing pancakes. You like pancakes right?” He asked then walked towards my closet. He kept rambling on about this pancake place whilst rummaging through my stuff, picking out something I could wear.

 

I could only stare at the back of his head while he was doing so. I didn’t even realized Louis did these things on purpose; by things I mean completely changing the subject, effectively making me forget whatever it was that was bothering me. Now that I finally realized that fact, I could only bite my lip to hold back the smile threatening to break out across my face at fondness of the older boy. Louis really was different. But a good different

 

…

 

“You never ask questions you know.” I told Louis while we’re eating breakfast at the place he was telling me about earlier. The pancakes were good.

 

“What do you mean? I ask plenty of questions. Have you met me?” He replied.

 

I smiled down at my food, poking at it with my fork. “I meant about me. Don’t…Don’t you ever get curious?”

 

“Of course I get curious about you Harry, but you don’t want to talk about it, so I’m not asking about it. You’re one of my best mates now; you’ll tell me anything you want to.”

 

I looked up with wide eyes, but he just continued eating normally.

 

“Do you really consider me one of your best friends?” I asked, timidly.

 

He grinned. “Yeah of course I do! No matter what you say Haz, I really do like spending time with you. You let me talk for hours and don’t complain once. Is that not the foundation to a beautiful relationship?”

 

I laughed quietly, “Yeah… I like listening to you talk… You’re interesting.”

 

“Well I like watching you listen to me.” He said, stuffing another piece of pancake in his mouth. I laughed again and shook my head, continuing to eat my own food. For the rest of breakfast, we made light conversation and even though my morning started off horribly, it was one of the best mornings I’ve had. I could feel myself becoming completely comfortable around Louis now-a-days. I didn’t see him as a man that was going to hurt me anymore, in fact quite the opposite actually.

 

Now, I couldn’t even imagine a life where he wasn’t in it.

 

(LOUIS POV)

 

“Thanks for breakfasts Louis; at least you weren’t lying about the food being good this time.” Harry smiled, as I walked him up to his front door. I hadn’t missed the fact that he was smiling a lot more these days.

 

“Are you implying that I have bad taste in food?” I teased, bumping my hip with his. His smile widened.

 

“Well…”

 

I stuck my tongue out at him and poked him in the ribcage; it’s where he was most ticklish. He squeaked and jumped out of my reach. I just laughed and stopped in front of his flat’s door.

 

“Call me later on yeah?” I said.

 

He nodded and gave me a hug. It lingered longer than it usually did, and I couldn’t stop myself from planting a small kiss on his cheek. He gasped and pulled away from me.

 

“I’m sorry Haz.” I quickly apologized. “It was just a spur of the moment thing, I’m sorry.”

 

He stood there shocked for a long while before I heard him quietly say. “You…you can’t just-“

 

“I know, I know your boundaries and I’m sorry. Forgive me please?”

 

I gave him my best puppy dog face, and knew I was forgiven when a little smile broke out on his face. “Good! I’ll see you later then love, don’t forget to call me!”

 

He waved as I turned to walk back to my car, secretly relieved. I’m glad he didn’t completely freak out, I would’ve felt terrible.

 

…

 

On my drive home, I decided to run a couple errands while I was out, so by the time I actually started heading home, it was just starting to get dark outside.

 

I always take all back streets to my house, because they’re quicker, and plus you can avoid traffic that way. So usually, I never really run into any cars.

 

Until tonight.

 

I was turning off the main street onto the first backstreet towards my house, when I realized that another car was turning with me.

 

Hm. That’s odd.

 

I didn’t think much of it though at the moment. Maybe someone was coming to visit someone else down this street.

 

But no, the car made every single turn that I did, and that’s when I started to get nervous.

 

‘Calm down Louis, calm down. Other people do live in these houses.’

 

The car never turned though. Not even when I purposely missed the turn onto my street.  No matter what I did, whoever was in the silver car followed me. So I sped up a bit, just enough to turn a corner first, park in someone else’s driveway, shut off my lights and duck down.

 

Sure enough here came that silver car.

 

I watched it carefully out the window, my breathing broken and ragged, my hands shaking on my legs, as it drove by slowly, as if it were looking at or for something. Me to be specific. I waited until it hit the end of the road and turned right, before I relaxed. Or relaxed as much as I could.

 

Was I really being stalked? But who would want to stalk me? I never did anything to anybody!

 

One thing was for sure though; I was NOT staying in my house tonight.

 

I took out my phone, with my still shaking hands and dialed Liam’s number.

 

“Hello?” He answered.

 

“Li?” I whispered even though it was unnecessary. “I need to stay with you for a couple of days. You won’t BELIEVE the night I’m having. My life’s become an episode of law and order.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WILL LOUIS END UP ON LAW AND ORDER
> 
> STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

(Harry’s POV)

Today when I woke up, I think it was one of the first mornings I had in a long time that I didn’t feel like staying in bed all day.

I felt… Good.

So I got out of bed, jumped in the shower, got dressed, and then went downstairs to the kitchen to start on some eggs for me and Mum.

“Well what do we have here?” Mum asked, walking out of her bedroom, smiling from ear to ear.

I gave her a small grin as I plated the food. “Morning Mum, I made you some eggs on toast if you’re hungry.”

I placed a plate in front of her and she would not stop smiling at me.

“Thank you darling.”

After that we sat in a relatively comfortable silence, eating our breakfast. But I could still feel her eyes practically burning into my skull.

“What?” I asked, self-consciously, squirming under her gaze.

“It’s just that…You look happy Harry. I haven’t seen you this way in a such a long time.”

“I-I feel good Mummy.” I admitted. “I don’t know why, I just do this morning.”

“You deserve to have a good day. I missed seeing you smile.” I smiled bashfully down at my food. “And I think I know who the cause of that is!” She sang.

I felt my cheeks heat up, “Mum…”

“I can tell how much you obviously like him, it’s mothers intuition, and I’m not blind. I’m actually glad you have Louis; He is such an amazing boy. If I had to trust anyone to take care of you other than Niall, It would be him.

I couldn’t help but smile as my thoughts drifted to Louis. “He is really nice.” I said softly.

But somewhere in the back of my mind, that same patronizing voice was still talking to me.

'You don't deserve him. You're nothing but a piece of filthy trash.'

I felt my smile drop in the slightest. I knew that voice was right.

I didn’t deserve to have Louis in my life. But I’m glad he was.

“Why don’t you call Louis up?” Mum suggested after breakfast. “I have a few houses I need to get to this morning, and I don’t want you to be alone.”

“I’ll be fine Mum.” I answered. “I was planning to go somewhere with Louis anyway.”

She smiled and kissed my cheek. “Have a great day baby, tell Lou I said hi, yeah?”

I nodded and then she grabbed he work case and walked out the door. Out of force of habit, I quickly locked, unlocked and locked the doors again behind her. I grabbed my phone off the counter and dialed Louis’ number while cleaning up the kitchen and doing the dishes.

“Hazza!” Louis exclaimed into the receiver and my face broke out in a grin.

“Hi Lou.” I greeted back.

“You alright?”

“Yeah I’m fine, I was just wondering if you might mind hanging out with me today? You don’t have to.” I quickly added at the end.

“Um…Well why don’t you come on over to Liam’s house? You remember him right? Yeah, I’m staying at his flat for a while.”

I froze in mid-scrub. Just me alone with two guys?

“And you can bring your mate Niall!” Louis said after my long pause. “We can make it a day! I reckon Niall would get on with Liam pretty well!”

I felt a little better now that he’d offered that I could bring Niall. I sighed and grinned again. “Yeah okay that sounds okay. I’ll call Niall up now and see if he’s free.”

“Alright see you later Haz!”

…

About an hour later, me and Niall were loaded into his car and driving to the address Louis texted me. I was nervously jumping my knee up and down the whole ride over there and nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt Niall’s hand on my knee, stopping the movement.

“Why are you so jittery? We’re just going to hang out with Louis.” He said, before turning back the road.

“I know. I’m not nervous about seeing Louis. It’s Liam. The last time the three of us hung out together, he kept staring at me, like he didn’t like me or something.”

“Well I’m going to be here this time. I’m not going to let anything happen to you haz. Who would pay for my food all the time?”

I chuckled softly and the rest of the ride was silent as I relaxed. For now.

Because as soon as we pulled up and walked up to the door, the nerves were back. Niall patted my back and knocked on the door. We heard two people yelling at each other for a brief moment then the door flew open, and we were met with Liam’s face.

“Hey Harry, it’s good to see you again!” He exclaimed, smiling at me. “And you must be Niall, Nice to meet you mate!” Liam said giving Niall a one armed hug. Niall just stood there frozen to his spot. “Well come in, Louis’ being a lazy shit and wouldn’t open the door.”

“I resent that Payne!” I distantly heard Louis yell. Liam just rolled his eyes then motioned for us to come in while he walked away.

“You were nervous about being around him?” Niall whispered as we walked in. “He was like a little puppy Harry!”

I couldn’t stop the small laugh that fell from my lips. It was true; he did kind of remind me of a excited puppy just then. Maybe my assumptions were wrong. But I knew better than to make assumptions.

We followed the way Liam went and ended up into a huge living room that looked amazing. It definitely had to have the touch of a woman.

Louis and Liam were seated on two couches on opposite sides of the room. Louis was lying down, but when he heard us come in, he quickly stood up to greet us.

“Hey! I’m glad you came; Liam was driving me up the wall!”

“I could always send you on your way home, Lou.” He retorted raising an eyebrow

Louis’ smiled dropped for half a second, but it was back before I had the chance to ask what was wrong. He gave me a short hug then did the same to Niall. “Well now that you’re here, who wants a drink? Beers anyone?”

“I don’t drink.” I replied, “But Niall will drink enough for the both of us I’m sure.”

“It’s my Irish blood haz, been drinking since I was 12!” Niall said ruffling my hair.

Louis laughed, “Finally someone who drinks! Liam doesn’t much either. Anyways let’s get the party started then yeah?”

…

Louis was right, Niall and Liam did end up getting on really well, and by the time the first hour passed they were talking and laughing like old friends. I ended up liking Liam too; he wasn’t as bad as I thought. He was actually quite innocence and funny if you ask me. I was really enjoying myself surprisingly.

“What’s all the noise in here? You two throwing a party without me or something?” We heard a voice call from the front door. I tensed because I recognized that voice anywhere.

Zayn.

We all fell silent as he walked into the living room smirking, but watched as it slowly fell when he noticed me and Niall sitting right here. The room was too small all of a sudden, and without thinking I was practically pushing Louis off the couch as I squirmed backwards. I felt Louis gently grab my hand.

“It’s okay Harry, its fine. I promise you Zayn’s not a bad guy.” Louis told me quietly.

“Yeah Harry I’ve been wanting to-“

“Do not get any closer to him.” Niall said moving, so he could spring up whenever he was ready.

Zayn’s eye’s flickered to Niall’s face, and he looked at him almost…Longingly? But he nodded anyways and turned back to me. “I’ve been want to tell you that I’m sorry. Me and a mate were being really immature and wanted to have a laugh so we decided to pick fun at you. I’m really sorry for that. Honestly, I was being a dick.”

I stared at him for a moment. I could tell he was being sincere by the way he was staring dead at me, without cringing or anything. So I just slowly nodded, not moving an inch though. Just to be safe.

Zayn smiled and let out a relieved breath. “Good because I really felt terrible about it. So, mind if I stay Li?”

Liam’s eyes flickered between us then he shrugged. “Of course not, grab a seat. Harry would you help me bring out some more beers and stuff?”

I gladly nodded and Louis squeezed my hand, the one I realized he was still holding before I got up and trailed after Liam into the kitchen.

“Are you okay with Zayn being here? I mean you’re my guest and I wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” Liam asked, opening the fridge.

I picked at my sleeve standing awkwardly in the entryway. “No it’s…Its fine.” I answered quietly. “He apologized, he won’t hurt me.” I said trying to convince myself more of that than Liam.

Liam just stood up and smiled at me before handing me a beer to give to Louis and a soda for myself.

“Hey Harry, before we go back out there, I just want to say I’m glad you’re here.”

I looked at him confused. He was glad I was here? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

“It’s just, I’ve never seen Louis like this with a guy before.” He confessed, leaning against the sink. “Not since high school.”

“He told me what you did for him back then. I think that was pretty brave of you. You’re… you’re a really nice guy Liam.”

He smiled, “Thanks, but I’m talking about you two right now. You know when I first met you, you were too afraid to even look me in the eyes, or speak any louder than a whisper. But you’ve changed and so has Louis. You both just look so much happier. So for that, I’m glad you have each other, you two got on really well from the beginning.”

I blushed and looked down at my feet. “Um…W-we should get these drinks back out there…” I said, hoping he would leave it alone for right now.

And thankfully he did.

…

Things got a little tense with Zayn around, but of course Louis broke that ice with his crazy antics, and turns out Zayn wasn’t so bad after all either. He was really quiet and laid back. I still wouldn’t go near him just in case, but from a distance, he was a pretty okay guy.

When it started getting late, Niall announced that we had to leave, before he got too drunk to drive me home.

Me and Louis both stood up and while Niall was saying bye to Liam, Louis wrapped me up in another hug. I sighed quietly, secretly loving the way I felt when he hugged me.

“Call me tomorrow and maybe we can hang out here again.” Louis said, slowly pulling away from me, smiling.

I smiled widely at him. “Yeah okay, tonight was great. It was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while.”

He rubbed my arm still smiling at me. “I’m glad. It’s refreshing to see you smiling so much. I -“

He abruptly stopped himself and his eyes widened in shock.

My brows furrowed at his sudden change in emotions “What Louis?”

He still stared at me, wide eyed shaking his head. “N-nothing. I was just going to say drive safe.”

“I um…okay? Bye lou” I replied confused, before walking out the door after Niall.

“They were nice huh?” Niall commented. “That turned out better than I exp-“

Niall stopped dead in his tracks, his mouth falling open in a gasp. What was it with everyone tonight?

“What Ni? What is it?” I asked, growing more and more scared by the minute, slowly inching closer to him. He was staring at something over the car and I strained to see what it was. “N-Niall? Your scaring me.” I whispered.

“Harry get in the car.” He said quietly, but firmly.

“What is i-“

“Get in the car now!” He yelled and I gasped, jumping away from him. I could hear the voice in my head again.

‘See everyone turns against you. Even Niall. You think he actually cared about you?’ It spat at me.

“Haz…” Niall said taking a step towards me. I took one back.

I could feel my lungs getting tighter, and my throat closing up. All of this anxiety was getting too much for me to handle. I knew I couldn’t have one good day. I knew it.

My arm started to itch and for the first time in a week, the thought of cutting again sounded appealing.

“Hey, Harry look at me and calm down.” Niall said softer, but a slight panicked undertone. “I’m sorry for yelling but I need you to get in the car. Please Hazza.” He begged.

I chanced a look at him and saw the panic in his eyes. I took a shaky breath and nodded, slowly walking back to the car with him. And once I was inside the car, Niall screeched out of the drive way and sped off like a madman.

Louis’ farewell seemed a bit ironic now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually not too happy with this chapter. It was another filler (and a bit of a cliff hanger) Ehhhhhhhhhh don't hate it too much :((( It'll get better promise!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide

(Harry's POV)

The whole time Niall was driving I stayed completely silent. His hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard that I was pretty sure his knuckles would pop out of place. I wasn’t sure what it was that he was so upset about, but I did know he was starting to scare me and I was silently begging for him not to hurt me. Not Niall, not now.

Once we turned down the street to my house though, his grip started to ease on the wheel and slowed down considerably. He started checking the rear-view every couple of seconds though, and he only fully relaxed when we pulled into the driveway of my flat. He shut off the car then rested his head up against the steering wheel with a huge sigh. I stared at him silently waiting for his next move.

“I’m sorry Harry.” He said, finally. “I swear I didn’t mean to yell at you or scare you.” He sighed again and sat up. “I need to go talk to Anne about something, alone. Could you give us a few?”

I slowly nodded and we got out of the car, walking into the house. Like Niall requested, I just went straight upstairs and shut my door, but I sat on the floor and pressed my ear up against the door. The stupid thing was so thick though, so I could only hear the snippets of the conversation where they raised their voices.

"…No Niall, just no!" Mum exclaimed. "You surely must’ve been seeing things! I…"

"…thought too!" I heard Niall say. "We…best if Harry just got away for a while."

Best if I got away? Were they planning on sending me away somewhere?

"…So horrible. Why my baby Niall? Why?" Mum cried.

I couldn’t make out anymore words for a long time after that, until I suddenly heard footsteps coming up the steps. I jumped up from my spot on the floor and raced over to my bed, like a kid that was up past his bed time.

There was a gentle knock on my door a few seconds later.

"Come in!" I said.

Mum opened the door and when she looked at me I could tell she’d been crying. Her eyes were pink and red-rimmed, but she still smiled at me as she sat down.

"What’s wrong Mum?"

She grabbed one of my hands and held them between the two of hers.

“I was thinking darling, how would you like to come back to Holmes Chapel with me in a couple of days?” She asked.

“For how long? School starts again soon.” I answered.

“Just for a while. It would do you good to get away from Doncaster for a couple of weeks, you know get a change of scenery. Plus your sister really misses you, and she’ll be coming home soon as well.”

A couple of weeks?

Normally I would’ve agreed at the drop of a dime, but now… What about Louis?

“I don’t know Mum… I miss home and Gemma and everything too but… For the first time I feel like things are getting better.” I said quietly looking down at our hands. “Being around Louis makes me feel better. I can’t just up and leave.”

“Please?” Mum pleaded, over a break in her voice. I looked up at her glassy eyes, taken back a little. “I would just feel so much better if you were at home with me, where I can keep you safe.” A single tear rolled down her cheek and that’s when I cracked.

“Don’t cry Mummy. I’ll go back home with you okay?” I agreed softly. “Can I just have a couple days to say goodbye to Louis?”

“Oh course you can love, thank you. Louis can come visit whenever he likes, I have no problem with that. So don’t worry you’ll still see him.” She dropped my hands and enveloped my in a tight hug instead. “I love you Harry.” She whispered, voice quivering.

“I love you too Mum.” I answered back, confused.

I really wanted to know why everyone was acting like the world was ending tonight.

…

The next day, I was up early adding the last couple of details to my portrait of Louis. I’d been working on it forever, because I wanted to get every single detail correct. But even then, his face on a piece of paper didn’t do the real thing any justice.

“Hey lad!” Niall said, strolling into my room unannounced. I made a small noise just to let him know I heard him, but I never looked up from my sketchbook. “What are you do- Is that Louis?”

I held up a finger telling him to wait while I added some extra detail to his fringe…

“Done!” I said, smiling a little to myself. I was actually really proud of this drawing. Niall took the book from in front of me and sat down, examining it.

“Do you…Is something wrong with it?” I asked after he just sat there staring at it, blankly.

“No it… It looks just like him Harry, every single thing about it is so life like. This is amazing! I hope you send this into some type of contest or something, you have some serious talent.”

I smiled bashfully and took the book back, scribbling my name at the bottom of the page.

“I can’t, not this one at least. Louis wanted me to draw this for him. I’m going to give it to him before I leave. I just hope he likes it.”

“You really like him don’t you Haz?” He asked.

I didn’t answer him. I just cleared my throat as I felt my cheeks heat up.

I did like Louis, more than I would let myself admit. But I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about a boy again.

“I um… I’m supposed to be meeting Louis at that Coffee shop by the park soon, baybe I should give him the drawing today. Would you mind driving me?”

Niall smiled, “’Course not! Mind if I tag along?”

“Don’t you have to work today?”

He shrugged, and got this look on his face. One I couldn’t quite decipher. “I took off a day to hang out with you.”

“Niall, you know you don’t have to do that… I promised I would call you if I ever felt like hurting myself.”

“And when have you actually done that?”

I looked down at my hands, ashamed. I heard him sigh then felt a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad Harry. I just want to spend some time with you before you leave. You’re my best mate too you know.”

“I’m sorry.” I apologized quietly.

He patted my back. “Come on, you know how Louis gets when people are late.”

That brought a smile back to my face. Louis was by far one of the most impatient guys I’ve ever met.

It was one of the things I loved about him.

…

“Your awfully quiet today Hazza.” Louis pointed out when Niall got up to go to the bathroom. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah everything’s fine.” I grinned.

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t try that with me anymore. I’ve known you long enough now to know that really means something is wrong. You use to be quite the actor when we first met.” He joked.

I smiled in spite of myself, but that fell from my face just as soon as it came. Louis put a hand over mine on the table and surprisingly, I didn’t even flinch away.

“Come on, you can tell me anything.” He urged softly.

“I-I’m leaving in two days. Mum wants me to stay in Holmes Chapel with her for a couple weeks.”

“That’s what you were afraid to tell me?” He chuckled. “Come on love have some faith in me! I don’t flip out over everything do I?”  
“What’s your definition of everything?”  
He gasped over dramatically and clutched at his chest. “Was that sass I heard from you Harold?! I’m shocked, hurt, and vaguely proud.”  
I giggled quietly at that and looked up at him finally. He was looking at me with amused eyes.

“It’s just that I’m…I’m going to miss hanging out.” I admitted.

He squeezed my hand harder. “I’m going to miss you too Hazza. But I mean we can talk on the phone or I can visit. It’s not like you’re going away forever.” Louis reached across the table and put a finger under my chin, making me look him in the eye. “So smile love, let’s just enjoy today yeah?”

I nodded and couldn’t help the wide smile from spreading across my face. He smiled back and leaned back in his seat, neither one of us noticing that we were still holding hands. And when Niall came back, he either didn’t notice it either or just chose not to say anything. 

“So did you tell him about your picture yet?” Niall asked bumping my shoulder.

“What picture?” Louis asked looking between us.

“I um, I drew that picture of you that you asked me to. I just finished it this morning.” I answered.

“Really? I complete forgot I asked you that! Do you have it with you?”

I grinned, feeling elated that he was excited to see it. “I can’t remember if I bought my sketchbook or not. Do you mind if I go look in your car Niall?”

“Sure, I’ll go with you.” He offered.

“Ni, Its right out back, I can get it.” I said, surprising myself. If this was about a month again, I wouldn’t even be sitting in this coffee shop right now, let alone offering to go off on my own.

He gave me this concerned look, and hesitated before handing me his car keys. “Hurry up.” He stated.

My brows furrowed in confusion, but nodded slowly before turning and walking out the shop. I walked around to the side of the building where the car was parked, unlocked the doors and frowned when I didn’t see the book right away. I check under the seat and in the back seat for good measure, but it wasn’t in there. I guess I left it on my bed at home.

With a bit of an irritated sigh, I shut the door and locked it back up before turning around to walk back inside.

“Hi Harry.”

My steps faltered suddenly, almost making me trip over my own feet. I froze, my breath catching in my throat as my heart sped up.

That voice… I’d recognize it from a mile away.

But it couldn’t be. He was long gone by now right? If I was hearing things, then this was a cruel trick that my ears were playing on me.

“Long time no see huh?”

I closed my eyes as it spoke to me again, and my hands started shaking. I felt dizzy.

This isn’t real…This isn’t happening. I’m going to turn around and no one will be there.

So that’s what I did. I turned around, on trembling legs and slowly opened my eyes.

No…

“Jason…” I whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG ITS HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
> 
> So, sorry for the poorly written build up and bit of a short one at that, its just that when i'm writing and I get close to like the climax of the story I tend to want to skip like boring details and dialogue, also much like miley cyrus, I cannot stop ahahahaha
> 
> Oh god no wonder why i'm single.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

 

(Harry’s POV)

“Jason…” I whispered.

This wasn’t real. It was another nightmare. I was going to wake up right before he hurt me like I always did.

But I didn’t. I wasn’t. Not even when he smiled that crooked smile at me, and took a step forward.

“Why so pale babe? Not happy to see me?” He asked.

His voice sent a chill down my spine. He was getting closer and I could smell his cologne now. He was still using the same kind he did a year ago. The smell of it made me feel like I was suffocating, living that night all over again.

"Not going to speak? That’s awfully rude Harry, I’m trying to be nice!”

He took one more step towards me and that’s when I turned on my heels and started to run away, but he was faster than me and gripped my forearm tightly, pulling me back so I slammed into his chest. I cried out in pain and he pushed my body up against the brick wall of the shop, covering my mouth.

“Don’t you try to run away from me.” He growled lowly, his eyes growing angry. “I think you should know better than to do that with me. It pisses me off.”

I could do nothing, but stare at him with wide eyes, as I started crying. Flashes from that night started playing in my head and I struggled weakly in his grip.

_A thud as my body hit the floor in the kitchen. Me begging for mercy, begging for them to stop touching me._

_A choke as they gripped me around the neck, cause black spots to dance in my vision_ …

“I’m going to take my hand off your mouth now, are you going to shut up?”

A sob racked through my body and I nodded shakily.

“Please…” I sobbed when he took his hand away. “P-please just let me-“

I felt a sting on my cheek as his fist collided with it.

“Didn’t I just tell you to shut up?” He growled again. I closed my eyes and held in another cry, my cheek now throbbing in pain. “So, I’ve been seeing you around town with some guy. Nice looking guy by the way Harry, you’ve got some great taste.”

I wanted to tell him to leave Louis alone. Louis was innocent.

I needed Louis right now.

“What was the last thing I told you that night Harry? You remember, after we got done tearing apart every single inch of your body.” He ran a hand down my side and I whimpered in fear. I knew without opening my eyes that he was smiling. “What is it that I told you Harry? Speak.”

_After they were done with me I could barely see out of my own eyes, but the tears wouldn’t stop anyways. I dragged myself to a corner on a shaky arm, pain shooting up my spine at every small movement._

_I heard footsteps approaching me, but the swelling in my eyes prevented me from seeing who it was. I let out a pathetic little whimper and tried to move faster and whoever it was just laughed, but at least he let me pull myself to the corner first before gripping my chin tightly. I could tell it was Jason now by the smell of him._

_“I’m leaving tonight, but don’t think for one minute I won’t be popping in from time to time to check on my favorite little toy.” He whispered. “So if you tell anyone and they come for me,” He slid his hand from my face and down to my stomach, where I was sure they’d broken a rib or two, and squeezed. I let out a blood-curdling scream. “I will fucking kill you. Are we clear Harry?”_

_“Yes! I-I promise I won’t tell.” I sobbed._

_“That’s a good boy. I’ll see you around. Oh and you might want to clean this up. I heard blood is a bitch to clean up after it dries.”_

_He slapped my cheek twice, before I felt him get up. Him and his friend walked out of the front door cackling to each other and I just sat there, crying. Everything on my body was throbbing. I kept wishing while I sat there that they’d killed me. I wanted to die so bad in that moment._

“You-You told me if I told anyone you would kill me.” I whispered, the tears running faster now as I opened my eyes. “I didn’t! I-I-I swear Jason! I never eve-“

I inhaled sharply and shut my eyes tightly again when he raised his hand as if he was going to hit me. Thankfully the blow never came.

“Don’t you dare lie to me Harry!” He yelled. I flinched back, hitting my head on the brick. “I know you told Niall. I could see it in his eyes that night you were coming from that other bloke’s house. I’ve been watching you ever since you first got out of school Harry. I know every single thing about you. And the amount of time you’ve been spending with that guy Louis. I know you told him too.”

“Jason please! I promise I didn’t! He doesn’t know anything! Just let me go…I won’t even tell them I saw you. Just…Please…”

He punched me again, this time letting me fall to the ground. “SHUT UP!”

“Hazza?” I heard Niall’s voice call, coming around the corner. “Haz, what’s taking you so long?”

“NIALL!” I screamed.

I looked at Jason after I screamed, wait for some type of hit or something but he looked as though he was debating whether to keep beating me or bolting out of there.

 He didn’t make a decision fast enough.

“Harry!” Niall gasped running towards me. He fell to his knees beside me and pulled me up into his arms. I wrapped mine around him tightly, my sobs shaking both our bodies. He rested his head on mine for a minute, before leaning into my ear. “I want you to get up right now and when I tell you to, run. You don’t stop until you get home okay? Don’t worry about me.”

He pulled away from me, gently pulling me to my feet, never taking his eyes off of Jason.

“Niall! The little kid from Ireland! How are you doing?” Jason greeted.

“Great until I saw your face back here yesterday. Why the hell did you came back? Have you not gotten your sick obsession with Harry out of your system yet?” Niall spat, nothing but venom in his voice.

“Oi! Obsession mate? That’s a bit offensive! I just wanted to come check in on him, you know see how life was. Looks like it’s been treating him well, despite the little going away present I gave him.”

His eyes flickered to mine and I whimpered shrinking back behind Niall.

“You’re such a sick bastard.” Niall said before suddenly swinging his arm out punching Jason straight in the mouth. Then he turned to me with frantic eyes. “GO! RUN HARRY!” He barked at me.

I didn’t have to be told twice.

I turned around and ran out of there as fast as my legs would carry me.

“Harry? Harry!” I heard someone yell faintly after me. But like Niall said, I didn’t stop once until I stepped foot into my house. I ran inside the door, quickly shutting it behind me, fumbling with the locks until they were all locked.

“Mummy!” I yelled into the house, gasping for air. “Mum!” I tried again. No answer.

I let out a sob and paced back and forth, pulling my hair at the roots. I didn’t know what to do. I needed somebody to comfort me. Anybody.

_A scream resounded off the walls as they beat me over and over again. Each blow to my body felt like bricks being thrown at me. They were so much bigger, so much stronger than me. I couldn’t stop them._

“No!” I screamed.

  _“Please Jason! Please tell them to stop!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, pleading with him, gasping for air as the feeling of being split over overwhelmed me as one of the two strange men pushed inside me at once. Dry. “IT HURTS SO MUCH!”_

_I felt his fist connect with my jaw and I cried out again, struggling under the beefy arms holding me down._

_“SHUT UP YOU LITTLE GAY WHORE!” He shouted in my face. “Did you think I actually love you? A faggot like you? You were just another hot little body for me and my boys to share.” He lent down into my ear, covering my mouth so he muffled my whimpers and cries of pain. “You were so easy to reel in Harry, so desperate to fit in. So naïve. You trusted me when you shouldn’t have.” He whispered._

“STOP IT!” I yelled again.

I was hyperventilating. I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs.

My throat was tight and my arms itched. I just wanted to breathe. I just wanted relief.

I stopped pacing as a picture of that little silver blade popped into my head and ran up the stairs to my room. I fell to my knees beside my bed and reached under there searching for a box I kept for emergencies.

I quickly pulled it out, turned the dial on the lock keeping it closed and dug through it searching for the one thing I knew that could calm me right now. I pulled the little blade from its safe place at the bottom of the box. I’d hid it there from myself when I thought I was getting better.

Even just holding it in my hands made it a little easier to breathe.

I let out a mix of a laugh and a sob just as I was about to press the razor to my skin then froze.

What about Mum? How would she feel if she had to find me again, bloody and passed out at yet another attempt to leave this world behind? Or what about Niall? Would he be disappointed? Would he think I was a coward for taking the easy way out? And then there was Louis.

Another sob escaped from my lips as I thought about those bright blue eyes, shining with so much happiness that I had grown to love. I thought about how I never got a chance to tell him just how deeply I felt about him. Would the light disappear from his eyes if I was gone? I didn’t want that to happen. Would he be sad? Would he miss me? I didn’t want Louis to be sad either. He deserved to be happy. He deserved to be with someone that could make him happy too.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered, as the blade pierced into my skin.

I could finally breathe.

It was finally deep enough.

(LOUIS POV)

(It’s going to go back to when they were at the coffee shop!)

Harry had been gone for about five minutes now, and Niall was freaking out. And since he was freaking out, I started to panic as well.

“Louis, mate I need you to do me a favor. Please?” He begged.

“Yeah of course, what’s wrong?” I asked.

“I need you to call the police right now. I’m going out there to get Harry. Call them and say your friend is being attacked.”

I froze in shock, and my heart started to speed up. “You-you want me to do what? How do you know Harry is being attacked? I’m going out there with you Niall!”

“No Louis, I need you to do this. Please mate I’m begging you. I’m almost one hundred percent sure Harry is hurt right now, and the guy whose doing it is dangerous. Just trust me. Call the police now.”

With that he got up and walked out the front entrance and I immediately dialed for help.

“999, please state your emergency.” A woman answered.

“I think my friend may be in danger. I-I’m getting scared because I don’t know what’s going, and he told me to tell you the guy was very dangerous and might be attacking Harry.” I said quickly, my hands shaking in fear.

“Calm down sir, tell us your address and we will send help immediately.”

I told them all the information they needed, and then sat there for a while, just tapping my fingers on the table nervously until I got fed up with waiting.

“Fuck this...” I said to myself.

 I gathered my stuff and started walking outside to follow Niall, But just as I was walking to the other side of the building, a blurred figure sped right past me. My eyes widened as I realized it was Harry.

“Harry? Harry!” I yelled. But he didn’t even glance back, just kept running as fast as he could. My stomach turned as I grew even more frightened. What the hell was going on?

The police cars came sooner than I thought; they arrived as I was still staring in the direction Harry went. But went they were getting out of the car, we all heard yelling from the parking lot where Niall was parked, and I made a move to run back there but one of the men held me back, while another one took out his gun and slowly made his way back there.

“Stop fighting and put your hands up!” I heard the man yell. “Hey! Hey! Don’t try to run!”

The man that was holding me told me to stay here and ran back to the parking lot as well.

A couple of excruciating minutes later, Niall and some other guy walked out, hands cuffed behind their backs.

“Niall!” I gasped. “Are you okay?” I asked, noticing the beginnings of a black eye forming.

“Yeah yeah, I’m alright.” He breathed. Then his eyes widened. “Louis you have to go check on Harry.”

“But what about-“

“Don’t worry about me, I haven’t done anything. Just go! Take my car keys and drive as fast as you can to his house!”

…

And I did exactly that. I drove like a mad man to get to Harry’s. And once I got there, I didn’t even bother to turn off the car. I just put it in park and ran up the walk way to his door. I tried twisting the knob but it was locked.

“HARRY!” I yelled, banging frantically on it. “Harry open the door, it’s me Louis!” I still got no response “DAMMIT!”

I started looking all around the front porch looking for a spare key or something. I dug in the flower pot next to the door and sighed in relief when my fingers hit something cold and metal. I frantically began to unlock, what seemed like a thousand locks on the door, and then pushed open the door running inside.

“Harry! Harry where are you?” I yelled into the house. I looked in the living room and then the kitchen before finally running up stairs. The smell of iron hit me like a smack to the face. “H-hazza?” I said more quietly, pushing open the door to his room. He was lying on the floor next to his bed in a puddle of blood.

“NO!” I screamed, running over to him and quickly lifting him into my arms, tears now falling freely from my eyes. “No no no no… Harry wake up! Please wake up!” I cried, shaking him as gently as I could manage.

I gasped as his eyes opened just a little bit and focused in on my face. “Oh god Harry, I thought I had lost you! Hold still okay? Don’t move an inch and keep your eyes on me.”

I gently sat him up against the bed then grabbed the closest piece of clothing on his floor, which was a t-shirt and started ripping it into shreds. I took those shreds and wrapped them tightly around his wrist, to stop the heavy bleeding. He groaned faintly and I looked up at him. He was still watching me like I told him to. Once I had both of his wrist tied up tight, I called 999 for a second time today to bring an ambulance this time, and then pulled Harry back into my arms.

He kept staring up at me, quiet little shaking pants escaping his lips and I gave him a watery smile. “Don’t do that to me Harry… You can’t leave me. Not now, not today, not ever. I don’t care that you’ve got scars or that you may not be perfect or all that happy. I love you. I love you so much, you idiot just the way you are.”

His eyes flickered up onto his bed and I followed his eyes spotting his sketchbook. I carefully reached up and grabbed it, gasping.

It was opened to the page of where he drew me. And it was like I was looking into a mirror. He drew me with my head thrown back laughing and I couldn’t help but smile. It was beautiful. He captured the moment perfectly.

“Harry this is amazing! How did you even get all of these little details right?” I looked down at his face and noticed his eyes were closed again. “Hey I told you to keep them open Harry, come on.” I said shaking him again. I didn’t get an answer that this time. “Come on Harry, it’s not funny o-open your eyes.”

Silence.

The tears started falling again. “Hazza please…Please open your eyes for me…” I whispered one last time. Nothing.

I bent over pressing my forehead to his, holding him close as endless sobs wracked through my body and begged him to please wake up. And I stayed like that until the paramedics came.

Even when they came I demanded to ride in the ambulance with them. I refused to leave his side for one minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY  
>  I'm a real asshole with these cliffhangers man, im sorry omg ahahaha


	16. Chapter 16

Sitting in that waiting room in the hospital was by far the worst experience of my life.

I sat there, like a sitting duck waiting and hoping for good news from Harry’s doctor, but that never came. I alternated from pacing across the floor to sitting down holding back tears. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. All I wanted to know was that Harry was okay.

He had to be okay.

“Louis!”

I took my head out of my hands in time to see Anne running towards me. I quickly stood up and she grabbed my hands, looking at me with terrified eyes.

“Is he okay? Please tell me my baby is alright!” She practically yelled at me. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and held her when she started crying.

“I don’t know.” I choked out, my throat feeling tight again. “I haven’t heard anything from his doctor yet. I’m sure he’ll be fine though Anne, right?”

“W-What happened?” She cried into my shoulder.

“He…He tried to commit suicide…” I whispered, my own tears falling freely again. “H-He cut his wrist. They said he lost a lot of blood.”

She started crying in the earnest now after hearing that. We stood like that in the middle of the ICU waiting room until she finally calmed down enough to sit down.

“Have you called Niall?” She sniffed. “He must be worried sick about Harry!”

“Actually, he’s um… He’s in jail right now. Or I mean, at the police station.” I answered slowly, gauging her reaction.

“He’s in WHAT?! Jail?!” She screeched. “Niall? What in the hell happened out there tonight Louis?”

“To be honest, I’m just as lost as you are. All I know is Niall told me to call 999 because he thought Harry might be in danger, and then I saw Harry running away from the shop we were eating in and Niall beating some guy up.”

She gasped, eyes widening in sudden realization.

“Was it…Was it Jason?” She whispered.

I cocked my head at her. “I’m sorry, who’s Jason?”

“He… No one. Forget that I ever mentioned him.”

I continued to stare at her confused for a moment, but I left it alone for the time being. Right now, all I cared about was whether Harry was going to be okay or not.

 

…

 

That next hour that Anne and I spent in the hospital was excruciating. Why the hell was it taking so long? The more time that went by, the more I was starting to think of the worst.

What if he’d lost to much blood?

What if I hadn’t gotten there in time?

What if he was-

I couldn’t even think of that last one. Just thinking of him… like that make my stomach twist painfully.

“Tomlinson?”

My head snapped up at the sound of my name and I saw a doctor looking around the room. Both me and Anne jumped up and walked over to him.

“That’s me, is Harry okay? Can we see him?” I asked.

“Mr. Styles is stable now, we have him rested.”

My whole body slumped in relief, and my eyes filled with happy tears.

“So can we see him?” Anne asked again, her own voice trembling.

“Well Miss, he lost a lot of blood so we put him on a lot of heavy prescriptions that are probably going to keep him under for quite some time so his body could heal itself properly with no interruptions. But you’re welcome to go sit with him. After he wakes up, we plan to keep him on an extended suicide watch.”

Anne nodded and then turned to me. I gave her the best smile I could muster up.

“You go ahead and see him first, have some time alone with him. I can wait.”

She gave my hand a quick squeeze, mouthed thank you, then sped off down the hall with the doctor. I sighed feeling a little bit light than I had before now that I knew Harry was okay. I took out my phone and dialed Zayn’s number.

“Hey Lou! You doing alright?” He asked.

“Far from it actually mate.” I said feeling absolutely drained.

“What happened?”

“I’m at the hospital-“

“The hospital?!” He yelled. “Why are you in the hospital? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine Zayn. I-It’s Harry. He…He tried to kill himself tonight.” I whispered the last part, not being able to even say it out loud without wanting to break down again

It was silent on his side of the line. “Is he… He didn’t-“

“No,” I quickly interrupted. “He’s okay. They have him resting. I was just wondering if you could come pick me up?”

“Yeah of course! I’m glad to hear Harry’s okay, I’m on my way out now.”

“Thanks. See you in a bit.” I hung up and sighed.

“Louis?” Anne called. I turned around and saw her glassy eyes looking up at me. “I’m going to go home and get a few things. I think I’m going to stay the night.” She said, wiping her eyes.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright to drive?” I asked. “My mate Zayn is coming, he could give you a lift?”

She gave me a small smile. “Thank you, but I’ll be fine dear. You go home and get some rest after you see him.” I nodded and she hugged me tightly. “I can’t thank you enough for helping him today.” She whispered.

I could do nothing but nod again and she kissed my cheek before pulling away and walking out the door. I took a deep breath before walking down the hall to Harry’s room.

I thought I was ready to see him lying there, but nothing could’ve prepared me to see him looking so fragile in that bed with bandages going up either arm. I blinked back tears as I grabbed a chair and pulled it up to the side of his bed. I gently grasped his hand in mine and gasped at how cold it felt.

“Is it weird that I miss the sound of your voice already?” I asked looking down at our intertwined fingers. “I just wish this day never happened hazza… I don’t even fucking know what the hell happened in the first place!” I squeezed his hand harder and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. “God If I could turn back time, I would stop you from ever leaving my sight or maybe insist on Niall going with you. You wouldn’t be I this hospital bed if I had. I should’ve done something Harry, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry…”

I rested my head against my arm that was on the bed and finally broke down for the umpteenth time that night. I don’t know how long I stayed like that but after a while I felt a hand on my shoulder, and sat up to see Zayn looking at me with sympathetic eyes.

“Come on Lou, Let Harry get his sleep.” He said softly. I sniffled and nodded.

I looked at Harry one last time and gently leaned over his bed to leave a soft kiss on his forehead.

“I love you...” I whispered.

Zayn patted my back once and I got up, never taking my eyes off of Harry until I couldn’t see him anymore.

 

…

 

The car ride home was quiet. Too quiet for my liking, but I had no energy at all to talk about anything. So I just let my thoughts drift and re-live tonight, until I felt like I was drifting off to sleep…

“Shit!” I exclaimed suddenly, making Zayn jump.

“What?” He asked, his voice rising as well.

“Zayn, we’ve got to stop by the station.”

“The station? The train station?”

“No, idiot, the police station!”

“What? Why do we need to go there?”

“It’s Niall, he got arrested earlier. I might have to bail him out.”

“Jesus lou, what type of day did you have?” He mumbled, making a U-turn.

I smirked a little in spite of myself. “One that I can’t wait to be over with.”

 

… (Sorry for all the breaks! I just hate the boring details and fill in dialogue :/)

 

“Hi, we’re here for a Niall Horan? He was just brought in a couple of hours ago.” I told the person at the front desk.

The woman typed a few things in on her computer before answering me. “Yeah, he’s just finishing up questioning; you can wait for him out here if you like. They aren’t going to hold him.”

“Well thank goodness for that.” I breathed walking over to the uncomfortable rubber seats. I sighed and rested my head on Zayn’s shoulder. “Can we crash over at your house? Its closer and I don’t really think I can be alone tonight.”

“Of course Lou, I wasn’t going to leave you alone tonight anyways. Have you talked to Liam?”

I shook my head. “He was out with someone tonight; I didn’t want to interrupt their night.”

“You know he’s going to freak out when he hears you know that right?”

I snorted “Wouldn’t be Liam if he didn’t. Twenty pounds says he’ll hit a whole new high note.”

He chuckled, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and we sat there in silence , and I was dosing off again.

“Niall!” Zayn exclaimed jumping up, nearly making me bash my head on the edge of the seat.

“Nice Zayn…” I mumbled, standing up with him. He looked at me sheepishly, before looking in Niall’s direction again.

“Niall are you okay?” Zayn asked immediately, eyes widening at his appearance. “Did you get into a fight or something?”

“I’m fine, just a few scratches and a black eye.” He answered then looked at me. “Where’s Harry? Is he okay?”

I gulped. “Niall…He’s in the hospital…He cut himself. His wrist.”

If it weren’t for the current situation, I would’ve laughed at how wide Niall’s eyes widened.

“NO!” He yelled. “No no no no! He tried to kill himself again? Is he okay? He didn’t do it did he? Louis please tell me he’s still alive, please Louis!”

“Hey, calm down Niall.” I said softly, noticing all the eyes on us. “Come on let’s talk outside.” I led him out the door of the station and he turned to me, unabashedly crying.

“Is he okay?” He whispered.

“He’s stable. They have him under a bunch of drugs so he can get better. But I promise you he’s okay.”

He threw his arms around me suddenly and I hugged him back a bit awkwardly while he cried on my shoulder.

“Maybe we should go back to my place now.” Zayn said. “I think we could all use a good night’s sleep. Then if you want I could drive you guys to the hospital in the morning?”

Niall pulled away from me, wiping his eyes and nodded. “Yeah, yeah that sounds good. Let’s go, I could use a drink right about now.”

 

…

 

It was going on three in the morning, and no matter how tired I was, I just couldn’t get to sleep. Every time I tried to all I could see was Harry on his bedroom floor, lying in all that blood. So I settled for sitting out in front of Zayns house, listening to all the late night traffic.

I heard the front door open and close behind me but didn’t bother to turn around to see who it was.

“Can’t sleep either?” Niall asked coming to sit next to me.

I shook my head. “I kept seeing him all bloody and passed out every time I closed my eyes.” I answered quietly.

“That’s what happened to me the first time I found him. Stuff like that just stays with you for a while. It’s terrifying.”

I wrapped my arms around my legs, much like Harry does- except now I know why he does it. It helps keep him together in a weird way, like it was doing me right now.

“Niall…How Many times has he tried to kill himself?” I whispered, shutting my eyes.

“Louis-“

“Tell me the truth Niall. I’m sick of being in the dark. I was patient with Harry but I just witnessed him try to take his own life, I deserve some answers!”

“Okay, okay. Just promise me you won’t think of him any differently. Please.”

I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. “I promise I won’t. You know I won’t.”

He nodded and sighed. “He’s tried ten times. Pills, hanging, cutting, self-drowning. He got creative I’ll tell you that.” Niall smirked bitterly, but there was no amusement in his voice. “He was only hospitalized for first three of those though, and after the third time, Anne stuck him in therapy again and had him on every anti-depressant made.”

“But why?” I choked out. If I said anything else, I would start bawling like an idiot again.

Niall swallowed thickly and blinked furiously for a minute before clearing his throat and looking down at his sock clad feet. “It was about a year ago, Harry was dating some bloke named Jason. It was the first boyfriend Harry ever had, and he fell head over heels for the guy. Jason was perfect in Harry’s eye’s, and to be honest, we all thought he was a saint for a little while too. They dated all through senior year of high school and during the last couple of months of school he…” Niall’s voice broke, and he balled up his fist so tight his knuckles were turning white.

“He what Niall? Cheated on him?”

He laughed, but it was a sarcastic one. “I wish all the sick bastard did was cheat on Harry.”

“Then what?” I asked, growing a bit impatient.

“He raped him.”

I gasped so loud that I had to throw my hand over mouth. Harry was… Raped?

“Actually that’s putting it nicely. He gang-raped Harry. The bastard invited two of his friends over and they just… Louis they beat him so bad… And that guy in the parking lot,  that was Jason.”

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t even manage to cry anymore like I wanted to because I was so shocked. It would explain so much, like why he was so afraid of me at first. But I couldn’t even wrap my mind around the reason why someone would do that to Harry.

Innocent, pure Harry.

One thing I could wrap my head around was the idea of killing that Jason bastard for ever putting his hands on my Harry.

That sounded really nice right about now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wasn't going to say anything until the end of the story buuuuuuuuuuuuut I've decided to make a sequel to this! I really don't want it to end so yeah, I hope you guys will want to read that too! :D xxxx


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this had to be short! Its a filler to build up to more drama! (Hehehe) I’ve been really busy this weekend with thanksgiving coming up and I'm leaving town for that soon, BUT I WANTED TO GET SOMETHING OUT FOR YOU LOVELIES! :D HOPE YOU LIKE IT!

3z(LOUIS’ POV)

Every day for a week, I spent almost every waking hour down at the hospital by Harry’s side. They’d taken him off the medication keeping him asleep two days after the incident, but he just wasn’t waking up.

The doctors said he would wake up when his body saw fit, and that he was probably in shock after “reliving a traumatic experience”- but that didn’t comfort any of us. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking that maybe Harry could wake up and he just didn’t want to. I wouldn’t blame him if he just wanted to stay asleep forever though with everything that he’s been through.

So I just stayed by his bedside and talked to him for hours on end about nothing, when Anne or Niall couldn’t visit because of work. I told him how much I missed hearing his voice or seeing his beautiful green eyes and how I wished he would wake up to talk to me so I could tell him how I framed his drawing of me and had it hung up in my living room so it would be one of the first things I saw in the morning when I actually went home to get a real night’s sleep.

I hadn’t slept through a whole night since the incident. One of the reasons being because I worry about Harry almost non-stop, and another being the fact that I still saw him lying in a puddle of blood every time I closed my eyes.

Like tonight. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep sitting up in the chair next to Harry’s bed. I don’t know how long I stayed like that but next thing I know; someone was quite roughly shaking me awake and yelling in my ear.

“Jesus mate, how far gone are you! Louis wake up.” I heard Niall saying.

“Wha…?” I said groggily, blinking my eyes a few times until I could see his face clearly. He looked half amused and half worried.

“When was the last time you got some sleep Louis? Some real sleep?”

I shrugged and yawned, squeezing Harry’s hand tighter. “I don’t know. But I’m fine, really.”

“Come on, you need to go home and sleep for at least an hour or two. Harry will be fine, and we’ll call you if anything happens.”

“I’m fine Niall. I just got some sleep.”

He sighed and put a hand on my shoulder. “Mate, you’re not helping anyone by running yourself into the ground. Harry wouldn’t want you losing sleep over him. Just go home, get some rest, maybe take a shower and eat some real food. I’ll still be here with Harry.”

I averted my eyes away from him to look at Harry. I didn’t want to leave him, but sleeping in my bed instead of a hard chair, sounded really nice right now.

“Promise you’ll call if something happens?” I asked.

He smiled and patted my arm. “Promise.”

I nodded and slowly got up, groaning at how sore my body felt from not moving for so long. I gently placed Harry’s hand on top of his stomach and leaned down to kiss his cheek.

“Please wake up for me Hazza. I miss you.” I said quietly.

Niall patted me on the back again and gave me a quick comforting hug before I reluctantly left the hospital and drove home to probably one of the best nights of sleep I’d had in a while.

…

All I could hear when I woke up was the annoying shrill of my phone on the nightstand. I groaned and covered my head with a pillow, but it just kept ringing and ringing irritating me to no end.

After about the fifth time someone called me, I finally sat up with an angry huff and answered it fully prepared to give whoever it was a good tongue lashing.

“What?” I yelled into the speaker.

“Wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” Niall laughed.

“For god sakes Niall I was sleeping! Weren’t you the one who told me to come home and do that?”

“And weren’t you the one who made me promise to call if something happened with Harry?”

That definitely woke me up. I swung my legs off the bed and quickly started looking for my pants.

“What’s going on Niall? Is he okay?” I asked, balancing the phone between my shoulder and cheek while I hopped around trying to pull my pants up.

“Yeah Yeah, he’s awake. But Lou-“

“He’s awake?” I exclaimed, unable to contain my excitement. “That’s great! I’m on my way right now!”

“But wait Loui-“

I hung up the phone and ran around my loft looking for my keys now, leaving it in a right mess. How they got in the kitchen sink, I’ll never know, but I didn’t have time to dwell on that right now. I ran out to my car, and drove off to the hospital unable to wipe off the huge smile on my face the whole ride there. 

For now at least.

Once I got there, I quickly signed in and then ran straight back to Harry’s room. I saw him sitting up in bed, and Niall sitting next to him with and expression I couldn’t read.

“Hazza! You’re finally awake!” I exclaimed, smiling so hard my cheeks started to hurt.

Harry didn’t even flinch though. Didn’t even chance a glance in my direction.

My smile fell a little bit. “Harry?”

Niall stood up and motioned for me to come out into the hall with him.

“Niall? What’s going on with him?” I asked, growing worried now.

“He’s been like that ever since he woke up. He wouldn’t talk to me, he’s just been staring off blankly like that. I was trying to tell you that on the phone. Anne said maybe he’s just dealing with what happened, but he’s never acted like this before. The doctor said it might also be selective mutism.”

I peeked in the room and sure enough Harry was still staring at that same spot on the wall.

“Do you mind if I go talk to him for a minute? I just want to see if maybe he’ll react to me.”

Niall just shrugged. “I hope you can get through to him. I’m going to sit out here and wait for Anne, I just got off the phone with her too.”

I nodded and walked back into the room pulling the chair closer to his bed and he didn’t move and inch.

“Haz? If you’re listening to me, I’m so glad to see you’re awake. You have no idea how much I missed you babe…. Other than hearing you talking to me, I think I missed your eyes the most.” I paused, waiting for any type of response. When I didn’t get one I continued talking. “I’m been waiting to hear your voice for over a week now, are you going to deprive me of it for even longer? I’m expecting nothing less than an angelic symphony when you open your mouth got it?” I only half joked.

I paused again waiting, but he was frozen. Just sitting there like a statue, completely void of any emotions. I don’t know why, but lack of response was really getting to me and I could feel my eyes beginning to burn and blur with tears. I reached a hand out and gently grasped his hand in mine as the first tear made its way down my cheek.

“Harry I know you’ve been through a lot,” I said shakily. “I just want you to know that it will never change the way I feel about you. If you don’t want to talk to me or anyone else right now, I understand. But I’ll still be here when you decide to. Because I meant what I said that night.” I grabbed a tissue from his bedside table and wiped my eyes, laughing humorlessly. “You know I have never cried this much over a guy before, you should feel really special right about now Styles.”

When I leaned over to the side to toss the tissue away, I got the first reaction out of him.

He squeezed my hand, just a little bit as if he was letting me know he was still there listening to me.

That made me smile and cry at the same time, probably making me look like a maniac when Anne and Niall walked in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like I said, this was just a filler so I could get this new problem out there! Don't dislike it too much :0
> 
> Another quick thing: Sorry for any medical inaccuracies, but I am studying psychology at the moment and I know for a fact that some people who go through traumatic experiences do tend to shut down and won't talk for weeks, even years.(Especially in cases where an rapist or abuser of any kind had warned them in some type of way to keep quiet.) I'm not sure if selective mutism was the correct term but that and PTSD often go hand in hand along with depression.
> 
> JUST DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE REAAAAAAL QUICK hahaha :) xxxx


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more chapters left! :(((( 
> 
> OH BUT WAIT THERE'S A SEQUEL ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL READ THAT AS WELL WHEN I START IT!.
> 
> But for now enjoy this chapter :)

(LOUIS’ POV)

For days after he woke up, Harry refused to talk to anyone. He wouldn’t take the anti-depressants the doctors tried to give him and he barely ate anything at all.

It got so bad at one point that they actually had to hook him up to an I.V just to get something into his body.

And all I could do was sit back and watch him wither away to nothing. I felt helpless. Useless. There was nothing I could do or say to that would make him respond to me, and it was more than a little bit disheartening.

So one day, I just broke.

Maybe it was from Harry’s blatant refusal to talk to anyone and even attempt to get better. Or maybe it was pent up frustration from not getting enough sleep and being cooped up in a tiny hospital room all day.   
Whatever the reason being, I just broke.

I didn’t visit Harry; I ignored all calls from Niall and Anne and even the knocks on my front door occasionally. I tried to go about my life normally, but it was hard considering every fiber in my body wanted to go running back to Harry’s side. But I couldn’t

I just couldn’t watch him do this to himself anymore. It hurt too much.

So today, I was sitting in my living room curled up on the couch, trying to eat dinner when I heard my door being unlocked. I barely had the chance to panic before Liam’s voice came echoing through the house.

“Louis!” He yelled. “I know your home so get out here!”

I set my food down and slowly made my way to the door.

“How the hell did you get into my house?” I asked.

He dangled his keys in front of my face. “You made me a copy the day you first moved in, dumbass.”

“Okay, why the hell are you in my house?” I rephrased.

“Where have you been the last couple of days? Niall keeps calling me worried about you and apparently Mrs. Styles is worried about you too. What’s going on?”

I shrugged. “I’ve been home.” I walked back into the living room and he trailed after me.

“Well why haven’t you been returning anyone’s calls? I’m sure Harry’s wondering where you are too.”

I scoffed, somewhat bitterly. “Harry’s not worried about me. He hasn’t spoken a word since he’s woken up.” I said feeling that familiar twinge in my chest.

“He’s alive right Louis? That’s more than any of us could ask! So stop acting like a child.”

“A child?” I asked incredulously . “You think I’m acting like a child?”

He folded his arms across his chest. “Yeah, as a matter a fact I do. Harry is in the hospital right now on suicide watch, dealing with things the best way he can, you don’t know what could be going through his head right now. Instead you’re here, ignoring him; butt hurt all because he won’t talk to you! Your being ridiculous Lou. And selfish.”

“How would you feel Liam? Huh? How would you feel if you had to watch someone you love try to kill themselves? Feel and smell their blood as it ran out of their body? And then have to sit back every day watching them give up and just wither away into nothing? You don’t know how it feels! I can’t do a damn thing to help him Li, I feel so useless and it hurts okay? It fucking hurts.”

I turned my back to him and angrily wiped the few tears that had fallen down my cheeks away.

I heard him sigh and take a few steps towards me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m not trying to be inconsiderate to your feelings Lou,” He said softly. “I know this affects you too, but just think about how Harry feels. We all know he feels the same way about you as you feel about him, so he must be terrified thinking you gave up on him.”

I’d never thought about it like that. My stomach twisted into a knot just thinking about Harry thinking I could ever leave him indefinitely.

“I could never just give up on him Liam.” I whispered.

“But he doesn’t know that, does he?” Liam pulled on my shoulder until I turned around to face him. “Just go see him soon okay? With everything that’s going on, Harry just needs love and support from people close to him. He needs you to be there for him Louis, and he’ll get better soon. I promise.”

I sniffed and nodded, giving him a brief hug. “I’ll go see him tomorrow. Thanks Li.”

He patted my back. “Someone had to come knock some sense into you. You’re just too damn hard-headed.”

“Piss off would you?” I grinned pulling away from him.

He smiled and gave my shoulder one more squeeze. “I’ve got to run anyways, but I’m really glad you’re going to see him. Call me and tell me how he’s doing tomorrow yeah?”

I nodded and Liam waved before walking out the door. As soon as he was gone, I finished up eating and then went straight to bed. It didn’t hit me just how much I missed Harry until Liam brought him up.

…

I ended up not sleeping that much last night because I too anxious to go see Harry. So when the clock hit Eight o’clock, the time visiting hours started, I was out of the bed, dressed, and in the car on my way down there.

When I stopped to get a visitors pass, the woman at the front desk stopped me.

“You might want to keep this visit short.” She said to me.

“Why? Is everything okay with him?” I asked, my heart starting to race.

“He just hasn’t been getting that much sleep lately darling. I don’t think he’s been to sleep at all this morning. His Mum just wants the poor thing to get some rest.”

There goes that knot in my stomach again. This is probably all my fault, I should have never left him.

“Thanks for the heads up.” I replied giving her a small smile that I’m sure looked more like a grimace.

I slowly made my way back to his room now, more nervous than anything. Does he even want to see me after I’ve been gone for so long? I didn’t have too much time to dwell on that though, because now I was standing in front of his room. I took a deep breath before quietly opening it and stepping inside.

He was lying down on his side, facing away from the door, curled up into a ball. I thought he was asleep for a minute until I heard the quiet sobs coming from him.

“Haz?” I called alarmed, speed walking around the bed so I could see his face. He was okay as far as I could tell, but as soon as he heard me walk around to his side of the bed his eyes flew open and looked up at me.

“L-louis?” He whispered shakily.

I got down on my knees next to the bed and gently wiped the tears off of his cheek. “Yeah it’s me Harry, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Another sob escaped his lips but this time he leaned down and through his trembling arms around me, burying his face in my neck. I was too surprised to hug him back right away.

“You came back.”

“Of course I came back Harry, I could never leave you for too long.”

“I-I-I thought you hated me. I’m sorry Louis. I-I’m sorry…” He sobbed.

I started to pull away but he just held on tighter and his breathing hitched.

“Calm down, I’m not leaving I promise.” I whispered, my throat too tight to talk much louder than that. “I just want to sit on the bed with you, is that okay?”

He held me for another couple of seconds before he slowly relaxed and nodded his head. I pulled away and stood up, walking over to the other side of the bed situating myself next to him. Once I was settled he turned to face me, wrapping his arms around me again.

“I’m sorry…” He said again.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Harry. I’m the one that should be sorry. I was only thinking about myself when I left. I didn’t even stop to think about how it would affect you if I did. So for that I am sorry. I’m so so sorry for leaving you Harry.”

“I-I can change Louis. I can get better. I’ll stop being so a-afraid all the time. I-I-I won’t cut. Please just don’t hate me. I can’t- I couldn’t live with you hating me. Please…”

He started sobbing even harder. So I squeezed him tighter, kissing the top of his head and I had to screw my own eyes shut to keep myself from breaking down. I took a couple of deep breaths before trying to speak.

“How many times do I have to tell you I can’t hate you?” I choked out. “I do want you to get better; but I don’t want you to change, you are perfect, at least in my eyes okay? You are beautiful- so beautiful haz, funny, and I love being around you. You always make my day better. I love you Harry, You never have to worry about me leaving you ever again.”

He didn’t respond and I didn’t expect him to. I just kept holding him, gently rocking back and forth while he cried himself out.

It took longer than I thought for him to calm down and when he did, I handed him a couple of tissues to blow his nose and he gave me a small smile, cleaning himself up. Then much to my surprise he laid his head back down in the crook of my neck, sighing deeply.

“I’m tired.” He said quietly. “Will…Will you still be here when I wake up?”

I ran my hand through his curls like the last time he fell asleep with me and closed my own eyes.

“I’ll still be here. You get some sleep, they told me you haven’t been sleeping well.”

“You promise?” He asked timidly.

“I promise Hazza. I won’t leave until you ask me too.”

I felt him nod again and it was silent for a while. I figured since he was going to sleep, I might as well as too since I got none once so ever last night.

“Louis?” He whispered, groggily.

“Hmm?” I answered.

“I’m really happy you came back…”

I grinned and held him tighter, if that was even possible.

“Not even Lucifer himself could keep me away from you, love.”

I felt rather than heard him laugh quietly and he nuzzled deeper into my shoulder. After that, both of us slipped into probably one of the most peaceful sleeps we’ve had in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwww I think this was my favorite chapter to write :) Hope you liked it!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This story may be triggering at times, there is talk of rape, self harm and suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turns out I couldn't update yesterday because AO3 decided to shut down for a bit because of technical problems or whatever, buuuuttttttt HERE IT IS NOW :D

(HARRY’S POV)

“Is it done yet?”

“Not yet.”

“What’s taking you so long?”

“I just started!”

Louis made a sound between a whine and a groan and leaned back on my hospital bed with a huff, making me smile. I’ve been here almost a month now because after my little meltdown period where I didn’t talk to anyone they moved to the “mental ward” to keep better watch over me. And I hated it in here. I hated having doctors staring at me like I was a freak that would snap at any second.  I swear I would’ve gone crazy by now if it weren’t for Louis. He came every day, lighting up the entire hospital the minute he walked into the building, and never failed to make me smile.  Even if it was one of my bad days. He’d crawl into bed with me and hold me until I felt untouchable in his arms. He’d whisper sweet nothings to me until I could almost believe them. He’d try and make me laugh with his inappropriate jokes until I was red in the face. Then he’d kiss my forehead and tell me how much he loved me even though I couldn’t quite bring myself to say the words back yet.

He brought me out of my thoughts by nudging me with his forehead once.

“How about now?”

I couldn’t stop the small giggle that escaped me at his impatience. “It’s going to take me awhile to finish Louis.” I answered quietly. “It took me nearly a month to finish a picture of you. It’s going to be harder to finish one with the both of us.”

“But I want this one so I can frame it and put it next to the other one in my house!”

I stopped in the middle of the line I was drawing and turned to face him. “You…You framed my picture?”

He smiled at me. “Yeah, it was amazing Haz! You didn’t expect me to just leave it lying around to be ruined did you?”

I looked down and shrugged. “It’s not frame worthy though…”

Louis sat up and placed a finger under my chin, tilting my head up. I tried to look down again at the amount of intensity in his eyes, but he wouldn’t let me.

“You’re right; it doesn’t deserve to be in a frame.” He said.

I flinched back, surprised. Because even though I knew it was the truth, I wasn’t expecting him to agree with me.

“It deserves to be hung up somewhere, where it can get the attention it deserves. Like a museum, or an art gallery. You have so much talent Harry, stop putting yourself down.”

I felt my cheeks heating up and I just nodded, actually feeling touched by his compliment. He smiled again and finally let go of my chin. I quickly looked back down at my drawing, hiding behind my curls, so he wouldn’t see me blushing. That only made him laugh though, and in return I turned an even brighter red.

“Knock knock, are we interrupting something?”

I looked up again and saw Niall and Zayn standing in the doorway. Which was weird because Niall practically hated Zayn? I briefly looked at Louis and he just shrugged, probably thinking the same thing as me.

“What are you doing here Zayn?” Louis asked, getting off the bed to greet them. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

He scratched the back of his neck, his cheeks turning the slightest shade of red. “I, erm… Niall was having some car troubles, so I offered to drive him here.”

“Yeah, and thanks for the ride mate, I’ll call you later if I need you to pick me up.” Niall said, actually smiling at him.

Zayn just gave him this awkward little wave and quickly left. I watched as Louis turned to Niall with this sly little smirk on his face. The type of smirk that said ‘I know what’s going on here.’

Niall just pretended like he didn’t see it and sat down in one of the chairs near my bed. Louis’ loud laughter suddenly resounded off the walls and I couldn’t help but grin at the sound of it.

“You and Zayn then, yeah Niall?” He laughed.

“Piss off Louis, he gave me a ride.” Niall mumbled.

“Come on then, tell me was it a good ride?”

A hand flew to my mouth as I fought against a laugh, finally realizing what Louis was implying. Niall turned completely red from the tip of his ears to his neck, and if looks could kill, Louis would’ve been dead on the spot.

“Go to hell.”

“Okay okay, I’m sorry. I have to get going anyways.”

I frowned at that. He usually stayed until visiting hours were over.

“But it’s only six o’clock.” I pointed out.

He leaned down to hug me and I sighed into the embrace. I was starting to really love hugs from him.

“Don’t worry I’ll be back a little later, so don’t go to sleep.” I nodded and smiled shyly when he kissed the side of my head. He pulled away smiling and waved to Niall. “Have a nice visit!”

“Wanker!” He yelled after Louis. I chuckled to myself as we heard Louis’ booming laugh carry after him down the hallway.

…

Louis never did come back.

By the time the clock hit Nine o’clock, I was already telling myself that he forgot about me. Niall tried to tell me that maybe whatever he went to go do was just taking longer than he expected, but I wouldn’t listen to him. In my mind Louis forgot about me like I always knew he would. Plain and simple.

I did try to go to sleep after they announced visitation hours were over, since there was no point in trying to stay awake any more, but I couldn’t. So instead I stayed up until midnight working on the drawing of me and Louis, hoping to take my mind off of things for a while. This was admittedly stupid, because all it did was make me think of him more.

At exactly 12:30, someone opened my door and I didn’t bother to look up to see who it was. It was probably just one of the nurses coming to tell me to try and get some sleep.

“You know, you’d think it would be harder to sneak into a hospital, but Christ! They made that easy for me!”

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard Louis’ voice, and gave myself whiplash from looking up so fast. He was giving me this big cheeky smile and raised a basket shaking it.

“I told you I’d be back! I even brought food since the stuff in this hospital taste like death.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I just stared at him. “Bad joke?”

“What are you doing here so late? You can get banned or… or arrested for this you know!” I whispered.

He just shrugged. “I promised you I’d be back didn’t I? I don’t break promises. Sorry it took so long though, I had to run around town looking for stuff. And I stopped by your house and got this…” I watched as he reached into another bag he had with him and pull out my favorite orange jumper. “Thought you might want this, especially since it’s a bit chilly out tonight.”

“But, I’m not going anywhere. Are you okay Louis?” I asked, completely confused. I was glad he came back, but nothing he was saying was adding up.

“I’m fine Haz, so come on put that sweater on! I’ve got a surprise for you.”

I completely froze at that statement.

_“They’re your surprise Harry!”_

I moved back on my bed, away from Louis and he frowned. “What?”

“I-I don’t like surprises…” I whispered.

“Come on Harry! I promise you’ll like it!” He reached for my hand, but I jerked back, bringing my knees up to my chest.

“No! I said no! I don’t like surprises! Just no Louis… No…”

I heard him slowly shuffle over to my side and he sat on the bed next to me. “Look at me Harry.” I slowly looked up into his eyes, and he reached a hand out, cupping my cheek. “You know I’m not going to hurt you like that asshole did. You can trust me love… you do trust me right?”

I closed my eyes again, leaning into his touch and nodded. I was being ridiculous, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. But I couldn’t help but shudder at the memory of those words.

He stroked my cheek once then stood up, handing me my jumper again. I slid it over my head and took the hand he offered me, crawling out of bed.

“Follow behind me and try not to make any noise okay?” He asked, flicking off the lights. I nodded and he carefully opened the door, looking both ways before pulling me out alongside of him and softly shutting the door behind him. He tugged my hand mouthing for me to walk fast as we made our way towards an emergency exit at the end of the hall. When Louis tried to open it though, it made a loud creaking noise and I laughed quietly at the whispered string of colorful curse words coming out of his mouth.

When we were safely outside, he pulled me around the building to a staircase that lead up to the roof.

“You’re crazy Louis.” I said smiling as he led the way up the stairs.

He looked down at me with that same cheeky smile he had earlier, and sighed dreamily.

“Alas, I am only crazy for you Cinderella.”

Smiling again, looking down and shaking my head to hide my blush.

After what seemed like forever, we finally made it to the top of the stairs and stepped onto the roof. My mouth fell open at the amazing view. You could see almost all of Doncaster up here and not to mention it was a great view of the stars up here.

“Wow…” I breathed. “This is amazing Louis! How did you figure out that it would have such a great view up here?”

I glanced over at him and saw him looking just as shocked as me.

“I…I didn’t! I saw someone do it in a movie and thought I would try it. I got so lucky…Wow.”

I threw my head back and laughed. Typical Louis. He looked at me sheepishly, and grabbed my hand again. “Come on; let’s find a place to set up.”

We walked around the roof, looking for a place that wasn’t too wet or dirty and we found a little area in the middle and Louis laid out a blanket for us to sit on. Then he pulled out everything he had in the basket, which happened to be all of my favorite snack foods. I smiled at him while he chatted away, taking each item out of the basket, and I felt butterflies settle in my stomach. I welcomed the feeling for the first time instead of trying to push it away.

But like always, the feeling turned sour. I still hadn’t told Louis why I even tried to kill myself in the first place. He deserved to know, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t scared out of my mind to see his reaction.

I took a deep breath, and interrupted him while he was talking. “Lou?”

He paused for a minute and looked up. “Am I rambling?”

“No it’s not that…I need to tell you something.”

“Okay, what’s on your mind?”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see the look of absolute disgust on his face I was anticipating.

“I never told you why I tried to…you know.”

“Harry you don’t have to-“

“I do need to tell you Louis, you deserve to know.” I whispered. He didn’t say anything else after that, so I took yet another deep breath and clenched my fist. “I was raped. A year ago. By my boyfriend and some of his friends.” I felt his hand over mine, but I didn’t stop. I had to keep going before I lost my courage. “They-They beat me, and took turns with me like I was some kind of toy.”

“Harry-“

“They called me a fag, a whore and told me I was worthless. That I was only good enough for…for a quick fuck and nothing more and I’d gotten exactly what I deserved.” My voice broke. “A-after they were done with me, they left and Niall found me a couple hours later.”

Louis pulled me into his arms as I fell apart as the memories started bombarding me all at once. “It’s okay Love. Calm down, I’m right here. Come back to me, he can’t hurt you anymore.” Louis’ soothing voice said in my ear.

“It hurt so bad Louis…It hurt so bad… Like I was being ripped open.” I sobbed, fisting his shirt in my hands. “And they just wouldn’t stop no matter how much I begged them too, they just wouldn’t stop!”

I felt him rest his head on top of mine, rocking us back and forth, running his fingers through my curls.

“Because they’re fucking animals that’s why.” He gritted out, before I felt him take a deep breath. “But you know what? You were strong enough to not let it consume you, or let those disgusting bastards make you lose yourself. You opened up to me when you didn’t have to, and you’re still here with me and I love you so much for that. You’re one of the strongest people I have ever met Harry, but I’m still so so sorry you ever had to go through that. I want to kill him forever putting his hands on you.”

After a while, I finally calmed down enough to look up at him, and he gave me a watery smiled and brushed the hair out of my face and the tears off my cheeks, then kissed my forehead.

“I love you, so much. You deserve the world haz, and if I could give it to you I would.”

And in that instance, I couldn’t help but believe him, feeling my heart beating faster in my chest. He had so much compassion in his eyes that I didn’t want to look away and have it possibly go away.

“I-I love you Louis.” I whispered. “You can’t hurt me like he did… Please don’t hurt me like he did…”

He cupped both of my cheeks and rested his forehead against mine. I let out a shaky sigh and pulled him closer to me, craving his touch instead of pushing him away.

“I promise you I will never treat you like he did Hazza. I promise.” I nodded against him he sighed as well. “I love you so much…” He whispered before pressing his lips to mine softly. Once, twice, then lingering on the third.

And in that moment, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t worried about the future. I didn’t think about how I would force myself to wake up the next morning, or even about Jason.

As long as I had Louis, and as long as he was here with me, loving me.

I knew I would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK EVERYTHING THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHAPTER BECAUSE EMOTIONS


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooooooooooooooo sorry for disappearing right at the end of the story! I had a lot of personal things going on and I could never find the time to update, so I'm really sorry guys :( BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS AFTER THIS IM ALSO GOING TO BE POSTING THE FIRST CHAPTER TO THE SEQUEL TODAY. So go check that out when its up (which probably won't be until later) Its called He Saves Me. But yeah, enjoy this last chapter! :))))

(1 year later)

“Lou! Louis!”

 

I turned in my seat in the stadium, searching the crowd after hearing my name being called several times over the sound of clapping. I spotted Niall standing near the stage in his cap and gown frantically waving me over.

 

I excused myself from my seat, quickly making my way through the crowd of chairs.

 

“Niall what the hell are you doing? They’re going to call your name soon!” I whisper-yelled.

 

“I’ve noticed that mate, but your boyfriend is back there freaking out! I just need you to come calm him down before he gives himself a panic-attack!”

 

“What? Why is he freaking out?” I asked, already headed backstage.

 

“You know how he is with crowds… Or people in general for that matter. I mean for god sakes, he barely kept it together at your graduation and all he had to do was sit there!”

 

It was true. When I graduated almost a year ago after the whole Jason incident, Harry had a full on panic attack. But it was only because people were pushing and shoving from all the excitement and well, Harry was touched WAY more than he appreciated. Way more than I appreciated, to be quite honest. But in the end, it was okay. I found him before he was pushed off the edge.

 

Once I was back stage, I scanned through the throng of students and spotted Harry almost immediately. He was standing a bit off to the side, discreetly flicking a rubber band on his wrist. It was a bad habit he’d picked up when he got out of the hospital and we started school again. And even though I hated it, it was a lot better than the alternative.  It’s not like he could physically hurt himself anyways, since all of his self-harming items were currently locked away in the closet of my house.

 

“ _Show me where they are Harry.” I demanded, marching into Harry’s bedroom. He trailed after me._

_“Louis I promised you I wouldn’t hurt myself anymore. I swear I won’t.”_

_“And I believe you love, I do, But you never know when things will feel like you just can’t handle it again, and I don’t want it to be so easy for you to just run to these things.”_

_“Lou I… I can’t…” He said quietly._

_I stopped scoping out his bedroom and turned to face him. “Why not? What do think I’m going to do Harry?”_

_“It’s just hard for me to let it go… A-and I know that’s really pathetic-“_

_“It’s not pathetic baby.” I said, with a reassuring smile. “I know that those things are, or were, a huge part of your life. But if you want to get better you’ve got to let them go.”_

_He stared at me for a long time, worrying his bottom lip, before slowly side stepping me. He dropped down on the floor and reached under his bed for something. I watched as he pulled out a small metal box, and a key that was under his mattress. Then he turned to me on a shaky breathe and extended his arms out to me._

_“Hide it somewhere, or throw it away. Just… Just promise me you won’t look inside.” He asked._

_I reached out and took the box out of his hands, reaching up to place a kiss on his cheek at the same time._

_“I won’t.”_

_That was the only time I’d broken a promise to Harry. Curiosity got the best of me when I got home and when I opened it, I was honestly shocked into silence for the rest of the night. There were various razors, sharpener blades, and scissor halves. Then there was a noose that I couldn’t even look at without feeling sick. All of Harry’s hospital bands were in here too and god, there was a lot._

_After looking in the box, when I saw Harry the next day, the first thing I did was hug him. I didn’t let go for what seemed like hours._

 

I shook my head, pushing that to the back of my mind and snuck up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He gasped and jumped, trying to shake me off, but I just squeezed him tighter.

 

“It’s just me, calm down.” I said comfortingly into his ear. He instantly relaxed and melted into my arms. “Why are you freaking out, hazza? All you have to do is walk across the stage, shake his hand and then walk off.”

 

“Why couldn’t I have just gotten my diploma in the mail?” He asked, turning in my arms. “I hate people staring at me.”

 

I smiled and flicked his chin. “I don’t understand why, you’re so beautiful love. I’d show off a little if I were you.” He blushed at the compliment and looked down at his feet, trying to hide a small smile. I just chuckled and lifted his head up again. “Really though, it’s not so bad. Me, Anne and your sister are sitting right in front, just look for me okay?”

 

He nodded and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m acting silly.”

 

“It’s okay Haz, that’s why I love you.” He opened his eyes and smiled at me as I tilted my head up to kiss him.

 

“I love you too.”

 

It was my turn to smile and I gave him another quick peck. “Happy Graduation babe!”

 

…

 

After the ceremony, we all drove to my place for a little celebratory get together. It was Niall and some of his friends, Harry and his family, Zayn, Liam and even my Mum and the girls.

 

After I’d told Mum about Harry, she demanded to meet him right away, so she drove 3 hours just get here. Harry was so nervous about meeting her, it was almost hilarious. She loved him immediately though, said he was the cutest thing she had ever laid her eyes on. Not to mention her and Anne hit it off pretty quick as well.

 

And while she was here she helped me with something.

 

I stood up and cleared my throat loudly to gather everyone’s attention and they all fell silent turning to look at me.

 

“First I would like to make a toast to Niall and Harry for graduating today. I’m glad I ran into Harry that day in the hall on my way to psychology class. I gained two of the best mates I’ve ever had since that day, so cheers to you both!”

 

Everyone raised their glasses in the air and exclaimed ‘cheers!’ And Niall hugged Harry around the shoulders, both of them smiling.

 

“But I really just wanted to take a minute to say something, to my wonderful boyfriend Harry.” I turned directly towards him this time and his cheeks flushed a light pink as the attention shifted to him.

“Harry, I cannot believe how much you’ve changed and grown over the past year now. You’ve been through hell and back, yet you are still able to stand here today with your head held high and a whole new outlook on life. I’m so proud of you baby, and you really are one of the bravest and beautiful people I have ever met, and I’m glad you gave me a chance because I have fallen so hard for you.”

 

“Louis…” Harry whispered, tears filling his emerald green eyes.

 

I just smiled and shook my head. “Let me finish love.” I said. “You have put up with me and all my bullshit for so long and I honestly have no clue how you can do it and not get sick of me.” Harry giggled, as did a few people around us. “But I’m hoping that you’ll put up with it for just a little while longer. Say… Forever?”

 

I stepped closer to his seat until I was standing right in front of him and got down on one knee reaching for the ring in my back pocket, everyone going completely silent around us. I looked up at Harry and saw him staring down at me with wide eyes.

 

“Harry Edward Styles, Will you make me possibly the happiest man on earth and marry me?”

 

Everyone, especially me, waited on bated breath for Harry’s answer, but his eyes just kept flickering from me to the ring and back.

 

“You’re killing me here love.” I joked, chuckling nervously.

 

“Yes.” I heard him say quietly.

 

My heart was practically pounding out of my chest by this point. “Yes?” I repeated.

 

A smile slowly started to form on his face and he nodded frantically. “Yes. I’ll marry you.”

 

I jumped up from the ground, slid the ring onto his finger and pulled him up into a tight hug, hearing his bubbly laughter In my ear.

 

“Way to scare the ever living crap out of me Harry,” I said pulling away from him, unable to wipe the ridiculous smile off my face. “I thought you were going to turn me down!”

 

“I-I panicked… I’m sorry.” He apologized.

 

“No shit.” I joked, cupping his cheeks, pressing a small kiss to his lips. “I don’t care. You said yes and that’s all that matters.” He placed one of his hands over mine, as I wiped another tear from his cheek.

 

“I love you so much Louis…” He whispered. “Don’t hurt me okay?”

 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” I smiled. “I love you too.”

 

With that I pressed my lips to his, holding him tightly to me as our lips molded together like they were made to fit perfectly to each other. And for a moment, everything disappeared around us and it was just me and Harry in our own little bubble.

 

Something I could get used to.


End file.
